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Friday, February 19, 2010

The Tiger Woods press conference we wanted to see

Just watched the Tiger Woods "press conference" (done without benefit of any press). It was exactly the farce everyone expected. Tiger didn't confess to anything specific, but merely said he was sorry for what he did. He asked people to "believe in" him again, and asked for his family to be left alone. It was entirely predictable and entirely uninteresting.

Tiger said that Elin had not attacked him the night of the car accident. (So Tiger, how exactly did that rear window get broken?)

Tiger also said that he resented the speculation that he had used performance-enhancing drugs. (Okay Tiger, we'll believe you and not our lyin' eyes.)

His presentation may have been light on the facts, but it was heavy on the false piety. The only thing Tiger neglected to do was lead the group in prayer afterward.

How much better would it have been if he had allowed some real reporters in and actually answered their questions honestly? Imagine the scene:

(Tiger strolls into the conference room wearing a broad grin and winks at the assembled reporters.)

Reporter #1: Tiger, do you feel remorse for what you've done?

Tiger (snorts): Are you kidding me? Tell me which law I broke. I was in the NFL, I'd have to kill somebody get this kinda bad press. You guys are actin' like I sold an A-bomb to al Qaeda.

Reporter #2: But Tiger, you cheated on your wife.

Tiger: What the fuck you expect? I'm rich and I'm famous. Any a you guys'd been in my position you'da done the same and you know it. Only remorse I woulda felt, if I hadn't taken advantage of them fine women.

Reporter #3: Tiger, it's not as if you had just one affair. You had an entire harem.

Tiger (shrugging): Them 'roids make you horny. I needed a harem.

Reporter #4: Tiger, some of us couldn't understand why you would stray so soon after marrying that beautiful Swedish lady. Care to comment?

Tiger (rolling his eyes): So soon? I been with her five years already! You get tired of bonin' the same broad. And after the kids, just wasn't the same. All the time, it was, 'Tiger I got a headache', 'Tiger, I'm too tired'. Well fuck that. I ain't some some ordinary Joe makin' eighty grand a year. I'm Tiger Woods, I don't have to put up with that shit.

Reporter #5: Tiger, did Elin smash out the rear and side windows of your SUV that night?

Tiger: Why you think I got in an accident? She busts out the rear one, I turn around see what the fuck's going on, next thing I know I'm wrapped around a hydrant. I'm here to tell you, bitch can swing a club though. Hell, she'd probably tee one out three fifty.

Reporter #6: So Tiger, has the rehab helped cure you of your sex addiction?

Tiger: (snorts) Addiction? What a load of crap. Anybody ever suggest to Pablo Picasso that he go get himself cured? Warren Beatty? Wilt Chamberlain? Mick Jagger? No, those guys are considered heroes. Why's everyone treatin' me like I'm some kind of criminal?

Reporter #7: When Rachel Uchitel texted you saying you were the only one she ever loved, did you believe her?

Tiger: Whaya think, I just fell off the turnip truck? Only person that skank ever loved was herself, I know her type real good. Always maneuverin'. You see that gig she just got with Extra? I'll guaran-damn-tee you she blew the producer.

Reporter #8: Tiger, of all the women you had affairs with, which do you think was the hottest?

Tiger (pauses, pursing his lips thoughtfully): Don't know, man, hard to say. Y'all seen the pictures, you be the judge. But my top three prob'ly Rachel, Jaimee, and Loredana. I mean, Jaimee could suck a mean dick, but you ever see the ass on Loredana?

(The questions might continue in this vein for a while.)

(Black) Reporter #9: Tiger, why did you never go after any African-American women? You know we consider you one of us.

Tiger (showing his first sign of sheepishness): What can I say?

Reporter #10: How do you feel about all your mistresses coming forward to talk to the media?

Tiger: All my mistresses? Them women were like, maybe a quarter of them. Plenty more you never heard of, believe me. Hey, you, in the second row, the blonde. What's your name?


Anonymous said...


Thanks for not holding back !!! I had to change my shorts I was laughing so hard.
Mad Dog

John Craig said...

Thanks Tom. Sorry about the extra laundry.

Anonymous said...

Dude, When you have time to think, you are really funny. This is the 2nd funny blog in a week.I never knew!


John Craig said...

Michael --
Thanks -- I guess.