Search Box

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

"The 50 Hottest Women in Prison," Part II

Here are eleven more lady inmates looking for penpals. The photos and captions are from this site, the words in italics are mine.

Crystal Clamenza

"I am looking for someone who is motivated, driven, open minded, family oriented, and who loves to laugh. Must be stable and financially secure, and able to stimulate me intellectually with a vivid imagination."

Translation: I want you to pay for everything, and I like kinky sex.

Has there ever been a girl named "Crystal" who has turned out well? And while we're on the subject of names, doesn't "Clamenza" -- in conjunction with this photograph -- put you in mind of chlamydia?

Miranda Dalton

Reason for incarceration: DUI (resulted in death)

"I am looking for a friendship that can grow, and for someone to sweep me off my feet and dance the night away."

Doesn't dancing the night away usually entail a little alcohol? Miranda might also want to look for a designated driver.

Ashley Innes

Reason for incarceration: Grand Larceny

"I roll with life's punches and take every opportunity to better myself."

Why do I get the feeling that those opportunities tend to come at other peoples' expense?

Amanda Jenson

Reason for incarceration: Producing child pornography

"I am wanting to finish my education. I spend my spare time painting or drawing portraits. I spend my evenings reading true crime or Wiccan books."

It sounds more as if her education is wanting, if she feels it should consist of true crime and Wiccan books.

Amanda actually looks more like a star of child porn than a producer of it. Oh well. At least she doesn't go on about her wonderful personal qualities like so many other inmates.

Stephanie Perkins

Reason for Incarceration: Armed Robbery

"I'm a sweet Southern Georgia peach who is looking to find that someone special or just make a new friend."

It's hard to look at Stephanie and not imagine what that sweet Georgia peach looks like when she's pointing a gun at your head and saying, "Give me your money or I'll kill you."

Tina Alderman

Reason for incarceration: Manufacturing a controlled substance

"I am looking for a friend who doesn't see my incarceration as a character flaw, accepts my country accent as just another part of me, and who realizes my pretty face is not the only thing I have to offer."

No one sees your incarceration as a flaw, Tina; it was your willingness to ruin peoples' lives with meth which betrays your character.

And you are pretty; but it also looks as if when the meth lab exploded you got burns on your face. Did you partake of your own product?

Chrystal Meyer

Reason for incarceration: Assault

"...I'm a representing Cancer, if you don't know or know little about what Cancer consists of, I'm here to let you know who I am and what I'm about. I'm a bubbly, outgoing, and energetic woman who likes to be impulsive and spontaneous at times."

Well, assault does tend to be an impulsive and spontaneous act which requires a lot of energy.

Chrystal's blurb would probably be more accurate if she hadn't capitalized her astrological sign.

Inga Kenmitz

Reason for Incarceration: Identity theft, Aggravated Animal Abuse In The First Degree

"I am outgoing, open minded, and I love to laugh. I love sports, snowboarding, and the outdoors, anything under the sun! I really enjoy traveling and I still want to go to a lot of foreign countries."

If you Google Inga you'll find she was caught by the Oregon police with her rifle, having just shot four horses which had been standing in a field. (Sociopath alert!) Did she laugh when she saw them fall?

She still wants to go to a lot of foreign countries, though. See, they have horses, too.

Dy'asha Guest

"I'm athletic and exercise daily, due to my love of sports. I love to travel the world, and will relocate."

Miss Guest-of-the-state, it really doesn't tell us all that much when you say you're willing to relocate. Given your current location, that's sort of assumed.

Courtney Callahan

Reason for incarceration: Burglary

"In my free time, I enjoy meeting new people, going to amusement parks, concerts, having fun, and hanging out with my 2 Chihuahuas...Prior to my legal problems, I was working on my bachelor's degree in Elementary Education."

"-- Oh, and my gender reassignment surgery is almost complete."

Crystal Phillips

"I'm a beach bunny with as much sex appeal as any Baywatch babe."

Isn't that for us to judge?

And if you think Baywatch babes are the current standard for hotness, then you've been in jail for a while, which tells us that your crime -- whatever it was -- was pretty serious.


Paul said...

I actually met Tina while she was incarnated. We became real close friends and I enjoyed my visits with her every weekend. She's out now and we lost touch but to those who read this, she made a mistake and i'm sure that she is on the road to a better life....

Mike said...

I am currently in a relationship with Stephanie, or as much as a relationship can be through writing and phone calls. She doesn't seem to be as this website's comment says "give me all your money, or I'll kill you." We are actually planning to live together once she is out.