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Tuesday, June 19, 2012

"The 50 Hottest Women in Prison," Part III

More female inmates looking for pen pals from that list by Ranker. The pictures and messages are from them, the words in italics mine.


Jamie Yoshimura

"I adore a great personality and someone who has direction in their life. A sense of humor is a plus."

Note to Mrs. Yoshimura (Jamie's mother): You have failed as a Tiger Mom.


Jillian Cini

Reason for Incarceration: Parole Violation

"I'm looking for someone who is generous, romantic, passionate, affectionate, dominant, versatile, nonjudgmental, supportive, sensuous, creative, understanding, attractive, handsome, sexy, fun to be with, and makes me laugh. Goatees are a plus, but not necessary."

Hmm, that's an awfully long list of qualifications.

Earth to Jillian: Inmates don't get to be that picky.



Sara Horne

Reason for Incarceration: Probation Violation (Felony)

"I am a computer geek with lots of class and sophistication. I love the finer things in life."

....And like all ladies with lots of class and sophistication, you point that out -- while posing for a picture with your tits hanging out.

Are you classy and sophisticated enough to pronounce the final vowel of your last name?



Nicole Leedy

Reason for Incarceration: Drugs

"Now that I'm 29 and have spent a decade in trouble or in prison, I now deeply desire comfort, security, and true happiness."

Ah, don't we all.

"Nicole Leedy" is pronounced "Nee-dee Lay-dee."


Jenny Decouteau

Reason for Incarceration: Common Law Robbery

"I am a good person inside, but I have made some poor decisions for which I am paying dearly. I refuse to let this experience define me, although I am learning from my mistakes and intend to grow into a better person through this all."

If you're a good person already and intend to grow into an even better one, you're going to be a veritable saint by the time you're finished. At which point, you might want to ditch the black bras, because those generally don't connote saintliness.


(Is it just me or does Jenny look like a temper tantrum about to happen?)


Christine Coffman

"Please rescue me. Don't allow what I have to offer go to waste, so just imagine me as a smoking hot genie trapped in a bottle, and all it takes is one rub to free me to make all your dreams come true. This bottle is tight and I'm hot in here."

Christine, your middle name must be "Subtlety."

Do they not have mirrors in prison?


Tiffany Santos

"I enjoy working with my hands, the outdoors has always been my calling, but indoor activities can always be fun!"

Ah, so you're one of those people who actually likes sex. How unique.

And Tiffany, it's obvious you enjoy using your hands from the way you're making a gang sign with one of them.


April Sylva

Reason for incarceration: Possession with intent to deliver cocaine

"I would like to meet someone who is loyal to their friends, who has staying power, and follows through with what they start. Truly you don't have to be rich, young, or even Brad Pitt..."

"....And by the way, cocaine can actually help your staying power, and I know where you can get some good stuff." 


Ashley Lyons

Reason for Incarceration: Burglary, Assault

"I love to put a smile on another persons face."

"But when I'm not doing that, I love to put a bloody nose on another person's face."


Carrie Noe

Reason for incarceration: Manslaughter I

"I want to meet people who have topics of interest, who will talk about more than just sex."

Doesn't like to talk about sex? Ah, what a sensitive soul.

But if you Google Ms. Noe, you'll find that she shook her own two month old baby till his body went limp, set him down "forcefully" in his crib, and then didn't bother to check on him again till her husband came home. At which point the baby was dead.

So, well, maybe not that sensitive.



Chanel Jones

Reason for Incarceration: Burglary

"I'm in search of someone who is sincere, loyal, stable, understanding, and serious (because I have no time to play games)."

There's nothing like having a brand name for a first name to give a girl that touch of class.

And Chanel honey, you've got nothing but time.

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