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Friday, October 12, 2012

No Runner Left Behind

The Supreme Court deliberations on the Texas affirmative action case bring to mind a terrible injustice which passed with little notice this past summer: At the London Olympics, 8 out of 8 of the sprinters in the finals of the men's 100 meter dash were black.

And this has in fact been the case dating all the way back to 1984: 64 out of 64 finalists have been black.

In this country, the racism is even more egregious: there hasn't been a single white man representing this country in the 4 x 100 relay since 1964.

This is the type of disparate impact which should not be tolerated in an enlightened society.

We should have a 4 x 100 sprint relay which looks like America -- with at least two white members. This is not a quota, of course, merely a guideline.

Ameliorating institutional racism must start at the grass roots level. Slow white children from the suburbs should be put on remedial Head Start exercise programs starting at age four. And white children should be encouraged to attend federally funded summer running camps.

After an initial grace period of five years, any public school at which whites don't hold a proportional share of the school sprinting records will have its federal funding cut off. We will call this program No Runner Left Behind.

Much of the difference in performance stems from coach expectation. Coaches rarely encourage whites to go into the sprints on the mistaken assumption that they are less talented than blacks. This sort of subtle discouragement can have drastic effects on the psyche of a young athlete. Every coach must attend an indoctrination session to rid them of these erroneous racist beliefs.

We must also explore the role of other factors in the racial divide, such as prenatal nutrition, the home environment, self esteem issues, and intimidation at meets. All of these have subtly corrosive effects which must be counteracted.

And we must change a culture among young whites where running fast is considered "acting black" and looked down upon.

Perhaps it's time to even reconsider the primacy of the stopwatch when it comes to judging runners. Perhaps we should consider stopping such a discriminatory practice and start looking at the runner holistically, as an entire person.

Just think of how much more competitive we will be internationally once we achieve the benefits of diversity. (Watch out Jamaica!)

Anyone who questions whether all this is a good use of resources, and who doubts that even with more training whites will perform up to the level of the top black sprinters, should be sent to a sensitivity training seminar. Hate speech like that must be eradicated.

After all, Hitler talked like that.

Should anybody point out that blacks have a superior genetic predisposition to sprinting, with their proportionately long legs, their narrower hips, their fast twitch muscle fiber, and their higher testosterone levels, he will be branded a racist. He should be ostracized, driven from public life, held up to ridicule, and if possible, fired from his job.

A tolerant society has no room for racial supremacists.


nick digger said...

All races are born with the same genetic "speed limits". It just happens that blacks develop superior sprinting abilities in their formative years, by running from tha po-lice, or gangs of other blacks. More dedicated athletes even supplement their training by carrying additional weighted objects, which may or may not legally belong to them.

Anonymous said...

John--Both you and Nick Digger said some pretty funny things. Have you ever thought of going into comedy? Do you think I should seek reparations for being white with all the sports opportunities that I missed out on? Think about it and let me know how you feel. Good work John! Brian

John Craig said...

Brian --
If I were you, I'd consult a lawyer forthwith.

Anonymous said...

John--I think that's a great idea. I'll call Al Sharpton's office to see if he can take my case on contingency. Brian

Andrea Ostrov Letania said...

In other words, blacks are tougher and can kick white guy's ass and take white guy's girl. Whites need to push for RACIAL RIGHTS, the right to be free from biological racial oppression.

Leon from UK said...

Oh god this is sooooo sad and pathetic! Trying to make excuses because black people just happen to be better than whites at running!

What about the blacks that cant swim? Should they be treated differently and have extra government money spent on them to get to a higher level?

John Craig said...

Leon --
Pssst -- it was satirical.

ncmagid said...

are you aware the the kkk website links to your article? If you do, then I can say that I at least (and at most) appreciate the dripping sarcasm. The last line holds particular resonance on the kkk site. cheers!

John Craig said...

ncmagid --
No, I hadn't been aware. But I'm glad to see they have a sense of humor.

Anonymous said...

this is the dumbest thing I have ever seen in my life. I actually laughed out loud and assumed it was something from a Saturday Night Live skit.

John Craig said...

Anon --
You're obviously a very intelligent guy.

Anonymous said...

You americans kill me xD You guys are so far behind compared to the rest of the world. It's hilarious. It's funny how you even care so much about something so irrelevant. Blacks are better sprinters. No doubt about that. If you ever watched the olympics you'd see the countries with less blacks (like eastern european countries) usually don't get medals when their white athletes sprint against blacks from Jamaica and the US. Nothing wrong with that, some people are just better runners...and most of those people happen to have darker skin. Only you guys could actually be offended from people with the same skin pigmentation as yourselves sprint less frequently than people with darker skin. Ahh never fail to entertain the rest of us.

John Craig said...

I'm amazed how many dummies are not seeing that this is a satirical post making a point about affirmative action in general.

Mr. Euro above is a good example.

sunebear22 said...

Don't worry, you guys still have ice skating, golf, rowing, swimming, hockey, rugby, water polo, and equestrian (where the horses are the athletes). Focus on your strengths:)

John Craig said...

Sunebear --
I couldn't agree with you more: people should focus on their strengths. Those who are good at athletics should focus on that, and leave the thinking to those who are good at IQ tests.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for this - it's brilliant.


John Craig said...

Gethin --
Thank you.