Back in February of 2011, I wrote about black names here and in a more in depth analysis here. Jim Goad wrote amusingly about the same subject this week, which reminded me that it's time to examine the national high school sprint rankings once again.
Sure enough, two years later, there is a whole new batch of fast twitch athletes whose times in the 55 meter dash merit a national ranking and whose first names deserve a small spotlight:
Shakier Ryan. His name is probably not pronounced like the adjective. Nor is he, as one who can run 55 meters in 6.37 seconds, likely deserving of that adjective.
Mustaqueem Williams. If the glove don't fit, you must aqueem.
Danito Dixon. Is this a contraction of "damn mosquito"?
Molefi Maat. Yes, we must definitely mollify Matt.
Niager Mathis. White people: please take great care when pronouncing Mr. Mathis's first name.
Sharkieth Beverly. This guy should be playing pool rather than running track.
Carnell Noble. I have no idea whether he's noble, but I'm guessing he's fairly carnal.
Quashod Williams. "Great shot" is what you tell a basketball player, not a runner.
Keonte Yorkshire. The Afrophilic first name contrasts a bit jarringly with the Anglophilic surname.
Mondryl Glover. (Isn't a mandrill a type of baboon?)
Denzel Tomaszewski: There were very few Polish slaveowners, but on the other hand, it's hard to imagine that a Polish-American would name his child Denzel.
(There were actually three Denzels in the rankings. They must all be approximately 17 years old, which means they were born around 1995. Three years after Malcolm X, one year after The Pelican Brief, and the year of Crimson Tide.)
Tio Johnson. Perhaps he has a Spanish-speaking nephew.
X'Saviar Murrell. Was the alternate spelling of Xavier by design or a mistake? (My guess: the latter.)
Among the others: Jeryl, Jahmaal, Devontay, Ayo, Taj-Amir, Kwamane, Laray, Jakara, Tramayne, Dejuan, Dajahn, Taivon, Khairee, Semaj, Dellon, Kofie, Quajae, DeAngelo, Romero, Jeph, Devan, and Diamonte.
Aleia Hobbs. I wonder if the boys ever teased her by saying, "Hey, I'll lay ya."
Marcquita Stalbert. You can't quite say, "There's no quit in that girl."
Demonica Stanley. Her parents probably figured they were putting a black twist on "Monica," not evoking Satanic overtones. Or even premenstrual ones.
Brandee' Johnson. I've never seen an apostrophe at the end of a name like that. (Why not just put quotation marks around a name, so the person can go through life ironically.)
Loundy Desire. At least her parents didn't name her "Lusty."
Isis Brooks. Isis was a very important goddess in the Egyptian pantheon, so naming your daughter that seems a touch sacrilegious. But it's probably no worse than all those Hispanic parents who name their sons "Jesus."
Cleopatra Morrison. Did her parents set up unreasonable expectations with that name?
Cidae'a Woods. The first thing I saw was "cider," which in fact does come from trees, which make up woods. (Rough translation from Ebonics: "Apple Orchard.")
Iana Amsterdam. Her first name is probably pronounced like Jana (with the "j" sounding like a "y"). Still, it's hard not to see "I am a." It's a good thing her last name is not "Pig" or "Bitch."
These were just a few of the more amusing names. Some of the others: Mikiah, Torie, Maiya, Asonya, Jerayah, Zakiya, Latrice, Sydnei, Brenessa, Meshala, Imari, Haisha, Kiara, Mercedes, Nailah, Lexus, Takira, Chantice, Kathareeya, Shekara, Kiana, Micah, Reneazia, Keturah, De'Ana, J'Niyah, Amani, Symone, Quashira, Destiny, Chantel, and Latrease.