This may come as a surprise to readers of this blog. But after some long and anguished soul-searching, I've decided to vote for Hillary for the following reasons:
1. She's a financial genius. Hillary turned a $1000 investment into $100,000 through cattle futures trading in just ten months. Anyone who can just read the Wall Street Journal for a few weeks and have the expertise to do that, as she claimed, is the right person to get our economy back on track.
2. Hillary, like all good entrepreneurs, recognizes opportunity when she sees it, and doesn't let any silly little qualms get in the way. The Clinton Foundation is open for business! Our country needs more of this kind of entrepreneurial spirit.
3. Hillary is loyal to her friends, and even tries to get them jobs. She is a job-creator.
4. Some of these Secret Service agents, Arkansas State Troopers, and State Department security details get a little big for their britches (you just know that in their own minds half these guys see themselves as James Bond.) Hillary puts them in their place. We need a no nonsense leader who speaks her mind and doesn't mince words.
5. She's not some dull teetotaler. Far better to have a President with some spirit! Or, at least, spirits.
6. Even though she once said she's "not some little woman, standing by my man like Tammy Wynette," she in fact did. Who isn't touched by a story of true love like this?
7. Like her namesake Sir Edmund Hillary, she wants to do what has never been done before. We need a leader ready to scale the peaks!
8. Hillary understands the immigrant experience well: all four of her grandparents were immigrants.
9. She's patriotic: she tried to join the Marines in 1975, even though they turned her down. Semper fi!
10. She's a battle-hardened vet anyway, having survived a sniper attack in Bosnia. And after having been in the line of fire herself, she'll think twice before sending our boys into harm's way.
11. She knows what it's like to be poor, having been dead broke when she left the White House in 2001. Who better to help the poor of this country than one of their own number?
12. Hillary is thrifty, going so far as to write off Bill's used underwear when First Lady of Arkansas. No doubt she will show similar attention to detail with the federal budget.
13. She's against the Trans Pacific Partnership. (Even if she was for it before.)
14. She's for gay marriage. (Even if she was against it before.)
15. She recognizes that the Iraq War was a mistake. (Even if she voted for it as a Senator.)
16. She's not intimidated by anyone, not even the leader of the free world. We need a fearless President!
17. Last but not least, she has a great sense of humor. (Seeing humor where others don't can be a sign of intelligence.)