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Monday, November 27, 2017

If I were Lindsey Graham's PR guy.....

Lindsey Graham was in the news again recently for seeming to favor the Democratic candidate over Roy Moore in the Alabama Senatorial race. Earlier, he had said about Moore, "I've got a general rule, if you can't be in a mall, you shouldn't be in the Senate."

I doubt I'm the only one who heard that and then wondered what could be said about some of the places Graham has been.

Which got me to thinking: if I were Graham's PR guy, I'd hire three or four women to bring a sexual harassment suit against him. I'd have them tearfully relate how he practically tore their clothes off and  almost raped them in his Senate office after-hours. And I'd have them recite similar stories, just to give them some credibility.

The timing is perfect, as the #Metoo movement is probably peaking right about now.

More to the point, Graham is probably the only Senator whose image would actually be improved by such accusations.

I'm also guessing his South Carolina constituents would find them, at some level, reassuring.

Imagine how good Graham would look, standing there at the podium, vehemently denying the accusations.

"I categorically deny all these scurrilous accusations against me! I want to promise you right now that these young ladies are practicing revisionist history -- they were plenty willing at the time, believe me. Now, I've always tried to be a gentleman and not talk about my love life, even when that led to some ridiculously off-base speculation about me, but I'm afraid these women are forcing my hand. If I get called in front of an ethics committee, much as I'd hate to do it, I will recite chapter and verse on each of those seductions. And I can guaran-goddamn-tee you, those were seductions, and not rapes. I have never, ever used my powerful position, nor my immense physical strength, to pressure a woman into having sex with me."

"Oh, and by the way, I'm sure I can get plenty of other women as character witnesses to testify as to what I'm like when it comes to, uh, matters of romance."

Then, after a suitable interval, I'd have those young ladies withdraw their accusations, or, at least, tone them down considerably.

The other thing I'd do as Graham's PR guy is feed him a few steroids. If he didn't want to take them, well, I'd just slip them into his coffee. That might carve some of the softness off of those estrogenic cheeks of his --

-- and reshape his image a bit. Who knows, the steroids might even change his mannerisms. So that instead of sounding petulantly -- yet breezily -- aggrieved by those false accusations, he could thunder against them as he pounded the podium with his fist, testosterone oozing from his every pore.


Anonymous said...

it's too bad they don't bring back duelling with pistols at dawn

Graham could hire some old boy to say "I have told the Senator FOR THE LAST TIME 'Stay away from my wife,' and but that didn't work so I'ma have to shoot him"

then the senator and the faux-aggrieved husband could both shoot-and-miss, or maybe the hired husband could just graze the senator with a flesh wound

of course, that type of glamorous romantic scandal would make women throw themselves at the senator, how little would he enjoy that, hmm

(really though, I think people should be able to opt out of murder laws to settle grudges, it ought to fall under victimless crime and nobody else's business)


John Craig said...

"Opting out of murder laws"?? The law doesn't exactly work very well when people get to pick and choose when to obey them.

I realize you're not entirely serious here, but I couldn't think of any other response than to play the role of the straight man here.

Not Dave said...

I was reminded of Bill Clinton and Monica in the Oval Office closet, how the mainstream media (Clinton News Network and others) said his sex life was personal and off limits. My how times have changed.

Funny how you touch on Graham's feminine side. The name Lindsay has never struck me as masculine. There's Buckingham of Fleetwood Mac but that's beside the point. Graham has always appeared creepy to me and his record shows he has no backbone, is just a RINO.

I was wondering what other career would fit the type of person Graham is and career fence riding politician is about it. Wear a suit, smile, say things that you think make you sound smart but we all know you don't understand yourself. Just a bag of hot air. It's amazing he keeps getting votes.

John Craig said...

Not Dave --
I don't understand how he keeps getting elected either. On the surface, he's an Air Force guy, a Republican, he's relatively quick on his feet, and he seems affable enough, so I guess that's enough.

He is the definition of an invade-the-world-invite-the-world McCain Republican, though. (As Steve Sailer would put it.)

Anonymous said...

Lindsey Graham, a senator who is unpleasant to look at. He isn't a handsome man.

- birdie

Quartermain said...

Lindsay Graham always reminded me of this character:

John Craig said...

Birdie --
No, not handsome, but he seems to be a pleasant guy with an ingratiating manner. It's just sort of ridiculous that he stays in the closet, when the closet door, as others have pointed out, is wide open, and has been for a long time.

John Craig said...

Allan --
Ha, interesting. From what I saw, Gilbert sounds more New Orleans/Tennessee Williams/Cajun, whereas Graham is more standard Old South in how he comes across. After writing the post, I looked at a Youtube interview with him, and he was actually pretty charming. i disagree with his RINO positions, but he honestly didn't come across all that bad, other than the fact that he's living sort of a lie. But I can't even blame him for that, given his background and career choice.

Rona said...

"More to the point, Graham is probably the only Senator whose image would actually be improved by such accusations.

I'm also guessing his South Carolina constituents would find them, at some level, reassuring."

Perceptive. Indeed, his popularity among women voters would rise the most.

...testosterone oozing from his every pore brought different image to mind and while your're right about closet door being wide open who's to say that what he's hiding isn't as bland as what people assume.

Has he had any public relationships with women or is it an open secret?

John Craig said...

Rona --
Ha, well, I didn't say, "testosterone oozing from all his orifices....."

No public relationships that I know of, I think it's pretty much an open secret. I honestly have nothing against gays, it's obviously the height of unfairness to blame someone for something they can't help, it's just that at this point it's sort of ridiculous for him to keep denying he's gay.

And you're right, for all we know, he could be hiding the fact that he's attracted to little kids or something like that.