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Monday, April 16, 2012

Mormon elders warn of rioting

Now that it's apparent Mitt Romney will be the Republican nominee, some very ominous rumblings have started to emanate from the nation's Mormon community about what might happen should Romney not be elected.

Mormon priests have been warning that if Romney loses the Presidential election, there may be vast amounts of civil unrest, and even rioting. With Mormon communities in every major metropolis across the nation, some are worried that cities could burn.

Bishop George Smith, a well-known firebrand within the Church, muttered darkly, "I ain't sayin' that's a reason to vote for the man, but I ain't sayin' it's not, either. All I'm sayin' is if Romney don't get elected, that is clear proof of prejudice."

Authorities, many of whom remember the great Salt Lake City riots of the past, are preparing for the worst. One Salt Lake City official, a non-Mormon who insisted on remaining anonymous, said, "These people don't need much of an excuse to riot. Seems like every time we have a power outage or some other sort of natural disaster they use that as an excuse to loot. Remember when the Utah Jazz lost in the conference finals? It was mayhem around here. People were out till all hours, burning cars, and vandalizing stores. We ended up having to establish a curfew. And all because of a basketball game. Imagine if Romney loses the Presidential race -- it's going to seem like the end of the world."

Others, however, took issue with the prejudice that expecting such misbehavior implied. Salt Lake City Mayor Ralph Becker pointed out, "You can't stereotype Mormons that way. There are plenty of law-abiding Mormon citizens who go about their business without ever getting into trouble with the law, and are in fact role models. The vast majority of Mormons are not criminals. You can't characterize them that way just because of the actions of a few. I personally know many Mormons who are very fine people."

Nonetheless, there was plenty of stridency within the ranks. Bishop Smith, who claims to be a direct descendant of Joseph Smith, the founder of the religion, said, "The Mormon people is strong. We ain't never had a President of our own, and we tired a bein' held down."

Asked whether he himself wasn't encouraging civil unrest with his words, Smith responded, "All I'm sayin', we gonna take to the streets to make our voices heard. We is fed up with the media stereotypin' us as multiple-wife-havin', mission-goin', crewcut-wearin' fools."

Not everybody seemed primed for confrontation, however. The unnamed city official quoted above did backtrack a bit: "Mormons don't drink or smoke or have premarital sex or any of that other stuff they consider sinful. You've got to understand, they're basically good, but they're also a very repressed people. Their lifestyle turns them into powder kegs. So when they finally go off.....Trust me, you haven't seen anything till you've seen a Mormon riot. Hey, you're not going to quote me by name, right?"

Authorities across the country are making contingency plans and taking precautionary measures. Police overtime is expected to tax already overburdened municipalities.


Anonymous said...

Very funny

Pete said...

I've been thinking the same thing myself. It's definitely a possibility. If the Mormons don't go off all at once then it's also a very good bet that the aggrieved ones will step up the tempo of their current activities, such as wildings, unexpected assaults, mob actions, vandalism, verbal attacks, harassment of non-Mormons and all the other ways they have of trying to make life for others unpleasant. Low intensity warfare is what it would be although the authorities would be quick to describe every incident as "random" and "isolated" and hide their identity by calling them "youths".

John Craig said...

Pete --
A "Mormon" preacher actually warned in 2008 that there would be "civil unrest" (read: riots) if the wrong guy won the election. Gotta wonder if there will be similar warnings this time around as the election draws closer.

Baloo said...

Lovely. You are very good at this sort of thing. I've linked it, with an appropriate illustration, here:

John Craig said...

Thank you Baloo.

By the way, I linked your "If Obama had a whole bunch of kids, they would have looked like this" post too.

Great, great line.