Dirty tricks

There has been concern expressed in some quarters that I have entered this Presidential race in a somewhat unprepared and naive fashion.

Don't worry, I'm not naive: I watched The Ides of March. I know all about the dirty tricks which are a vital part of every well-run campaign.

That was me, not Rick Perry's staff, who got those women to come forward and accuse Herman Cain of sexual harassment.

I had a few former foster children of Michelle Bachmann all set to testify as to what kind of a "mother" she actually was, but her poll numbers are telling me those won't be necessary.

Coming soon: revelations about the inner workings of the Mormon Church where Mitt Romney was a bishop. Yes, Bishop Romney. It has a nice ring, doesn't it? I promise, these will be almost as revealing as the revelations Joseph Smith himself experienced in the desert of Utah. Didn't know about Mitt's four other wives, did you? Stay tuned.

I also have a push-pull phone poll all planned out for the general election. Some of the questions we will ask include:

"Do you feel there is any truth to the rumors that Bill Ayers was in fact the real writer of Obama's two "autobiographical" books just because their writing styles were so eerily similar?"

"Do you sometimes feel that Brother Obama might as well have written his black nationalist preacher Jeremiah Wright's speeches?"

"Do you feel that Obama's gift to Queen Elizabeth of an iPod containing his own speeches displayed a deft diplomatic touch? How about his gift of a pair of White House cufflinks to the Dalai Lama, who never wears Western-style clothing?"

"Was obsequiously bowing to the Saudi king the right way for Obama to demonstrate Presidential protocol?"

"Did you feel good about the way Obama threw his own grandmother under the bus in the last election?"

"When Obama said, in the last election, that he had been to fifty-seven states with one more to go, did you worry that there were eight states that you didn't know about?"

"Do you feel that a weekly five hour golf expedition is a necessary part of a Commander in Chief's duties?"

"Do you feel that Michelle Obama has made a good First Lady? Do you feel that Marie Antoinette would have made a good First Lady?"

"Do you feel there is any truth to the rumors that Barack Obama hates white people?"