I'd like to be a Jersey Shore type who can take steroids, look in the mirror admiringly, and strut around unself-consciously while telling people he's never juiced.
But all I do is sit my skinny body behind a computer and write resentfully about people like that.
I'd like to be the kind of guy who can get excited by a really cool car.
But I was taught as a youngster that that is superficial, so I can only look at a cool car longingly while repressing my inner hot-rodder.
I'd like to be -- or at least, to have been -- a guy whose biggest concern in life was getting laid, as frequently and with as many women as possible.
Somehow, I ended up as a jaded nerd. (It's unclear how I became jaded.)
I want to be a guy who doesn't think twice about anything, and always lives in the moment.
Instead I've spent a life wracked by indecision, paralyzed by potential consequences.
I want to be cool without even thinking about it.
What I do is ponder what "cool" really means, without in any way embodying it.
I'd like to be able to buy a lap dance, and when the stripper tells me I'm cute, believe her.
I don't even believe it when my mother tells me I was a cute baby.
I want to be a guy who, when insulted, is not reluctant to throw a punch.
What I do instead is stew about it for hours.
I want to be the type who just spends his money, and enjoys the spending, without worry.
I can't even enjoy a bottle of wine because I can't stop calculating how much each glass costs.
I want to be the type who cares more about clothes than about politics.
Well, I sorta am that.
I want to be the type who talks about himself too much and doesn't give a shit if others are bored.
What I do is talk about myself too much but then feel bad that I did so.
Sorta like I do right now after making you read this post.