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Thursday, July 16, 2015

Donald Trump vs. El Chapo

Joaquin "El Chapo" Guzman's escape from a Mexican prison came at an opportune time for Donald Trump, who has attracted a lot of attention for his comments about illegal immigrants.

After the escape, Trump tweeted, "Can you envision Jeb Bush or Hillary Clinton negotiating with 'El Chapo', the Mexican drug lord who escaped from prison?…"

(In a roundabout way, Trump was actually complimenting El Chapo here, by suggesting that the other American Presidential candidates were not the drug lord's equal.)

Trump, however, then followed up with, "…Trump, however, would kick his ass."

A Twitter account claiming to be El Chapo's then responded, "Keep screwing (with us) and I'm going to make you eat your fucking words you lousy white faggot."

(This response is more likely to have come from one of El Chapo's sons. Whoever it was who tweeted this evidently has not yet been swayed by the Norte Americano movement for gay liberation.)

All in all, it's made for a pretty entertaining mano a mano confrontation. This calls for a comparison between the two men on the various measures they seem to care about.

Net worth

Trump boasted about his net worth of 8.7 billion when he announced his candidacy last month. But Forbes magazine, a more impartial source, recently listed his net worth as $4 billion. El Chapo is said by Wikipedia to have a net worth of one billion; but that, too, seems inaccurate. Anybody who keeps $207 million in cash lying around one of his houses likely has a net worth far, far higher than that. And El Chapo's power has been said by some to exceed that of Pablo Escobar, who at his peak was supposedly worth $25 billion.

This one goes to El Chapo (with a low degree of certainty).

Real estate

Here, too, it's a little hard to compare. The only picture available of one of El Chapo's houses was this one of the Mazatlan vacation home which was raided:

It featured a manmade cave with hot tub:

And a private zoo with well-cared for exotic animals, including these black panthers:

El Chapo reportedly owns fifteen other houses as well as four farms, but pictures of those are not available.

Trump's most famous house was Mar-a-Lago:

But Trump often buys real estate as an investment rather than a place to live. He bought Mar-a-Lago in 1985, had it renovated, and in 1995 turned it into a club with paying guests.

His main residence is a three story penthouse at the top of Trump Towers...

….decorated, of course, in Louis XIV style.

This one goes to Trump, though also with a low degree of certainty since information on El Chapo's other residences or farms is hard to come by.


Trump dresses nicely, as befits a successful businessman. But his well-cut suits usually get overlooked because one's eye is inevitably drawn to that swirling monstrosity on top of his head:

It's also hard to get beyond his facial expression, which almost always seems to radiate unbridled egotism.

El Chapo often dresses in such a way that he would be indistinguishable from the mass of day laborers you'll find standing on street corners in many American cities:

Of course, Trump pretty much has to dress the way he does, whereas Guzman has no need to impress his cohorts with his duds.

Trump certainly gets the nod for fashion sense, but El Chapo is the better man for his evident lack of vanity.

(Since we're basically talking machismo here, the latter is probably more important.)

Personal taste

El Chapo's artistic tastes seem to run to gold-plated weaponry:

But if Louis XIV had had an AK-47, he'd probably have had it coated with gold leaf as well. And Trump, after all, did own the Taj Mahal in Atlantic City...

…which even Louis might have found a bit garish.

So this one is a tie.

Their women

Here's is El Chapo's current wife, Emma Coronel:

And Trump's current wife Melania at a similar age:

But here's Melania now, Botoxed beyond recognition:

Mrs. Guzman is certainly more attractive than the current Mrs. Trump (currently). Then again, the second Mrs. Trump, Marla Maples, may have been better-looking than either:

Still, it's now that counts, so by that measure, El Chapo wins.


When it comes to who could more easily order a hit on the other, there's no question: this is El Chapo's world.

Of course, if Trump gets elected President, and has the US military at his disposal, the odds shift drastically. The Donald's election seems doubtful, despite recent polls, but if he ever did find himself in the White House, he would have the capacity to reduce all of Mexico to smoldering ruins. (And, truth be told, he does seem inclined in that direction.)

But, once again, it's now that counts, so El Chapo wins.


Here, of course, there is no question: Trump is free to appear in public, and speechify to his heart's content, whereas El Chapo is wanted, and must scurry through various dirt tunnels in order to stay out of -- or escape -- prison.

Evidently one of El Chapo's biggest weaknesses is fine food. Often diners in some of Sinaloa's finer restaurants would occasionally find themselves surrounded by gunmen who would politely ask them for their cellphones. Then El Chapo would come in and order a meal with his henchmen. Once he finished, he would always foot the bill for the entire restaurant as a way to repay the diners for their inconvenience, then return their phones.

Still, Trump, who also has the look of a man who appreciates food, is the winner here.


The final, and perhaps ultimate measure, is how much respect each man commands in his own country.

In this country, Trump is widely viewed as a buffoonish blowhard, and his candidacy as an exercise in vanity. All sorts of people feel free to mock his hair, and even question whether it's his own. The now defunct Spy magazine regularly referred to him as a "short-fingered vulgarian." And how many headlines will read, "You're fired!" if Trump eventually drops out of the Republican race?

In his country, El Chapo is a folk hero who has had songs written about him.

Niccolo Machiavelli once said, "It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both."

El Chapo actually seems to have pulled off the trick of being both feared and loved in his own country.

Trump inspires neither emotion.

Winner on this count, and also overall: El Chapo.


Mark Caplan said...

I can't imagine Hillary Clinton even saying El Chapo. She'd probably say, "El Vertically Challenged-o."

Trump recently discovered he is pro-life. I'm guessing that the other chap is pro-choice since Mexican rebels tend to be anti-clerical and so far Chapo isn't running for president on the GOP ticket.

John Craig said...

Mark --
Ha, yes, or Hillary would just pretend he doesn't exist since she's pro-immigration.

Hadn't heard that about Trump. The Sinaloa cartel, like a lot of the cartels down there, has actually practiced a fair amount of retroactive abortion on its foes.

Mark Caplan said...

In that famous tweet, SeƱior El Chapo called The Donald a "cagaleche." I gather that translates as "milk-shitter," which I suppose is graphic Mexican slang for a limp-spined, irresolute, finger-in-the-wind politician.

John Craig said...

Mark --
Yes, that's the way it was translated by several services. The thing is, that's one thing he is not. Of all the people in both primary races, he is the MOST outspoken, and the most honest, which will of course be his downfall. They also called him a "faggot," which is obviously also untrue. I did give El Chapo the victory in the machismo contest, but I have to say, the insults they are hurling northward are not accurate.

They may be taking their cue partially from the fact that Trump LOOKS like such a soft, doughy guy.

Steven said...

Did you see this John?

John Craig said...

Steven --
Yes, thanks, I did (in the NY Post), as a matter of fact I was just debating whether to put up a short post about it. I probably will.

John Craig said...

Steven --
PS -- It turned out to be a hoax.

Unknown said...

This author seems to have a passionate love for El Chapo. I bet he would suck his dick if he had the chance.

John Craig said...

Unknown --
Would I ever!

Actually, it's sort of funny, but the vast majority of insults I get on this blog are from people who are projecting. I've had Aspies accuse me of having Aspergers, sociopaths accuse me of "getting a thrill out of others' misfortunes," and