The ease with which I can come up with examples of my own beta status grows ever more embarrassing. At the same time, the more I delve into the subject, the clearer it becomes that being an alpha is often a matter of having a narcissistic personality.
When I was younger, if some girl found out that I had an unrequited crush on her, I would be absolutely mortified. Alphas never get "crushes," they merely rank girls in order of how badly they want to do them.
When I was young man, I found being turned down by a girl absolutely devastating. I didn't just feel rejected, I acquired a new identity -- as a reject. A rejected alpha simply concludes, well whaddaya know -- a rug muncher!
If an alpha is unable to perform sexually with a woman, he thinks to himself, mildly disgruntled, how am I suppose to get excited about that fat ass anyway? Stupid bitch oughta spend more time on a treadmill. (If he's really alpha, he'll give voice to that thought.) When I am unable, I think, Oh my god, I'm turning gay!
An alpha male never has trouble urinating in front of others. I breathe a silent sigh of relief when I walk into a restroom and see those barriers between the urinals.
An alpha male just farts when he feels like it, thinking that since it doesn't smell so bad to him it can't be that bad for others. And if it does smell bad to them, so what? I hold mine in until I get a stomachache, then walk to another room to let it out, praying I can do so silently.
An alpha male feeling a burp coming on will try to make it as loud and drawn out as possible. Afterward he may inhale air in effort to duplicate the first one. If I burp, I cravenly beg for forgiveness.
If an alpha shows up to some function dressed inappropriately, it doesn't faze him in the least. If I do, I spend the rest of the evening feeling like a sore thumb.
If someone has the impression an alpha is better than he is at something, he feels no need to clarify the issue. He just basks in their admiration. I always feel obliged to list the various asterisks attached to my accomplishment in dreary detail.
When an alpha feels schadenfreude, it doesn't even occur to him that that's what he's feeling. He simply exults in his acquaintance's failure. When I feel schadenfreude, the joy is immediately tempered by the sobering realization that I am not a nice person.
When an alpha gets caught in a lie, he will just come up with another lie to cover it up. If he gets caught in a lie he cannot possibly get out of, he may say something like, "I hang my head in shame," exuding a sincerity he does not feel. I actually hang my head in shame.
If I insult someone, whether intentionally or unintentionally, I feel bad and spend the next few weeks trying to make up for it. An alpha just forgets what he said, then wonders why other guy is acting so sore.
If an alpha says something stupid, he tends to defend his statement, no matter how lamely. If I say something stupid, I feel stupid.
If an alpha loses his temper, he always feels self-righteous about it afterward: "Hey, I care." My thought the next day is usually: what in the world got into me?
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2 comments:
John,
Great Post as always,
I'm taken back not only at your honesty in how you view yourself but having the stones to put it out there. Its not surprising to me however because you had two caring, loving parents who obviously brought you up with the correct values.
Mad Dog
Mad Dog --
Thank you. Actually, as you said once, we all have a little beta and alpha in us. I put this series in because I think most guys can identify with it. I've been both obnoxious and cowed, but for purposes of humor it works better if I cast myself as a pure beta. (Though every instance I cite has actually happened.)
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