Confessions of a beta male XI: Drinking

One primary difference between alphas and betas is their drinking styles. You'd think that alphas might drink less, given that they tend to already be high on life -- or at least on themselves. But that doesn't seem to be the way it works.

An alpha drinks simply because it's fun. I drink when I need courage -- or at least a certain numbness.

After he's had three beers, an alpha, whatever his actual build, feels like a twenty-seven-year old Arnold Schwarzenegger. After three beers, my beer muscles only grow slightly: I'm still an ectomorph, albeit a slightly more toned one. 

I don't find others' vomiting either charming or funny, and find my own extremely unpleasant. I've seen alphas step outside to throw up, then just calmly go back inside to continue drinking.

After his first drink, an alpha thinks, mmm, that tasted good. I think, that drink just cost me five bucks plus tax and tip: was it really worth seven bucks just to feel a little dizzy?

An alpha will drink a three hundred dollar bottle of wine on the company dime and think, hey, I'm a classy guy who appreciates quality -- let's have another. I think, that's basically six glasses at fifty dollars a glass, which works out to maybe five dollars a sip. I have no idea whether the wine is actually good because all I can taste is the money going down my throat.

After a few drinks an alpha thinks, getting a buzz on is a GOOD thing. I start wondering how many brain cells I've just killed.

An alpha may take pride in his "empty leg." I know I'll never win a drinking contest, so the thought would never even occur to me.

For an alpha, beer goggles can turn a 3 into a 7. (Alphas have a tendency to view 5's as 7's to begin with.) The prescription on my goggles was always weak: they might turn a 6.0 into a 6.5. (Then again, alcohol occasionally did give me the courage to start a conversation with that 6.5.)

Towards the end of the evening, an alpha will have one more "just for the road." I pull out the tablet of Vitamin B I brought and ask for water, to counteract the dehydration alcohol can cause.

An alpha will then pile into his car, secure in the knowledge that he's such a good driver he'll never be pulled over even when drunk. I walk back and forth in the parking lot until I think my blood alcohol level is legal.