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Thursday, January 12, 2012

Unanswered questions

While browsing through the Huffpost's collection of mugshots yesterday, I found that many of them raised more questions than they answered. All of these mugshots and the descriptions of the crimes are from their site; the questions in italics are mine. 

That's Mr. Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop to you. The man with the amazing name was born Jeffrey Drew Wilschke. He changed his name in October 2011, but got in trouble with Madison, Wisc. police on Jan. 5 when he was arrested for alleged possession of a knife, marijuana, and drug paraphernalia. 

Think this guy might be a Johnny Depp fan? Does he ever mimic Captain Jack Sparrow's mannerisms? How did his parents feel about him changing his name? And does Mr. Zopittybop-Bop-Bop have a nickname, or must his friends refer to him by his full name? When he gets married, will his wife be tempted to keep her own name? Isn't it refreshing to see a guy who doesn't take himself too seriously? 

Ray Lynn Mitcham Jr., of Linden, N.C., was arrested Jan. 9, 2012, in Cumberland County, N.C., for crime against nature with a dog. Debbie Tanna, spokeswoman for the Cumberland County Sheriff's Office, said Mitcham's next door neighbor went to speak with him Jan. 2. The neighbor, who is also Mitcham's landlord, told detectives she opened the door to his mobile home and saw him attacking her dog. The mixed-breed female was taken to a veterinarian, who recovered a DNA sample. Tanna said Mitcham was arrested Monday after his DNA profile matched the sample recovered from the dog.

Is Mr. Mitcham not attracted to human beings? Or was he just using a dog because no human was available at the time? How can the police be sure the dog didn't try to seduce him? The breed of the dog wasn't mentioned; does Mr. Mitcham find one breed more attractive than another? Will other bestiality fans take the moral of this story to be that one should use a condom? 

John Robin Whittle wouldn't let a good beer go to waste, police say. The 52-year-old ordered a beer at a bar, left to rob a bank, then returned to the watering hole to finish his brew, investigators in Pasco County, Fla. allege.

Wouldn't this make an awfully good beer ad? Whichever beer company he was patronizing really ought to consider taking advantage of the free publicity; Whittle is certainly the kind of masculine-looking fellow beer companies like to feature in their commercials. A little shave, some contact lenses, a nice smile for the camera, and it could be Miller time. At least after he serves his federal time. 

During a stop for an alleged traffic violation, sheriff's deputies in South Carolina seized two crack pipes that Ella Jo Price had allegedly hidden in her private parts: One was concealed in her crotch and the other was stashed in her buttocks, deputies said.

Ella certainly gives new meaning to the term "crack whore." Despite her addiction, she's still sort of good-looking; she must have been a beauty when younger. Which clique did she hang with in high school? Was she one of the popular girls? Perhaps even prom queen? How much schadenfreude are her former social inferiors feeling now?

Gwinnett County, Ga. police say Trevor Jones broke into a home, then used the victim's laptop to log into Facebook. The problem for Jones, allegedly, was that he forgot to log out before he left.

Is this not proof of how addictive Facebook can be? Wouldn't you think that a man who evidently takes such painstaking care of his mustache would be more careful while breaking and entering? Should Mark Zuckerberg get partial credit for having solved this crime? 

Police in Illinois say that Olivia Ornelas blamed her DUI and crashed vehicle on her boyfriend's failure to take her, as he promised, to the new "Twilight" movie.

Seems to me I've dated women like this. How does Olivia react when something actually is her boyfriend's fault? How sorry do you feel for her future husband? And what does this incident reveal about the mentality of "Twilight" fans? 

Tina Arie and Howard Windham allegedly got frisky in the backseat of a patrol car taking them in on drug charges. Even though their hands were shackled behind them, Windham's pants were unbuttoned and lowered, allowing Arie to perform oral sex. The deputy ordered them to knock it off and they weren't hit with any additional charges.

Well, at least Tina seems to be a much better sport than Olivia: she's not holding her arrest against her boyfriend. Imagine you've just been busted for drugs, and your life is about to be completely upended. What would your reaction be? Chagrin at having been caught? Concern about how it will impact your career? Shame at the impending social humiliation? Or would it just make you horny?  

I would like to know (a) what drug these two were on, and (b) where I can get some.

Police in Florida arrested Karen Henry, 45, after she allegedly threatened her 80-year-old father with a knife for not sharing his potato salad.

Evidently when some people say "Please pass the potatoes," they really mean it. But how can you tell who the serious ones are?

Police arrested Joseph Wilson for the hundredth time after he allegedly stole $174 worth of socks and underwear from a Bealls department store in Port St. Lucie Florida.

After the first ninety-nine arrests, why would it not occur to Mr. Wilson to get a real job? Does Florida have a one hundred-strikes-and-you're-out law?

Florida police arrested Ian Stuart Wood at his home in East Naples after he allegedly choked his wife over a heated game of Yahtzee.

Given how passionate Mr. Wood and his wife seem to be about Yahtzee, would it not behoove them to try chess, or perhaps Scrabble?  


Anonymous said...

John, you must like tragicomedy. BTW, I think Beezow wanted to be Frank Zappa's other son.

Anonymous said...

I noticed that 80% of the mug shots are of people from the south. Hmmm...more unanswered questions. Are Southerners more likely to commit stupid crimes, or just more likely to get caught? Are they really as stupid as their crimes and mug shots make them appear?

John Craig said...

G --
"Beezow" does sound a little like "Dweezil," you're right.

Anonymous --
Are you referring to the ones I showed, or did you look at that entire list on Huffpost? I wasn't selecting people from the such on purpose, I was just looking for crimes that left me wondering. But you do make an interesting observation.

John Craig said...

Sorry, from "the South," not "the such."

Anonymous said...


Great post, I was having a really bad day when your lines a) what kind of drugs were they using and b) where can I get some...really hit home, I laughed my ass off !!! Thanks for making my day.

Mad Dog

John Craig said...

Mad Dog --
Sorry to hear you're having a bad day. I guess you could use some of those drugs too.

Brian Fradet said...

John--I guess that's why mother nature does not allow for cross breeding--otherwise there would be lots of half human/dogs! B

John Craig said...

Brian --
Looking at some of the mugshots, I'm not so sure there aren't.

Brian Fradet said...