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Saturday, March 5, 2011

Charlie and me

Every time you open up another online news source, there's Charlie Sheen with yet another wildly quotable sound bite. The reaction of the media to his meltdown seems to be one of horrified fascination combined with a not insignificant amount of undisguised glee.

My reaction to Charlie is mostly envy. I just don't seem to stack up very well in comparison:

Charlie: "I'm on a quest to to claim absolute victory on every front."

Me: Just one victory, on any front, and I'd be happy.

Charlie: "I'm proud of what I created. Why shouldn't I be? I exposed people to magic. I exposed them to something that they otherwise would not see in their boring normal lives. And I gave that to them!"

Me: Most people don't really notice me.

Charlie: "Dying is for fools. Amateurs."

Me: The life I lead, it's as if I'm half-dead already.

Charlie: "[I was] bangin' 7-gram rocks [of cocaine] and finishing them because that's how I roll. I have one speed, one gear -- go."

Me: A life stuck in neutral.

Charlie: "I mean, what's not to love? Especially when you see how I party. Man, it was epic. The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards all of 'em just look like droopy-eyed armless children."

Me: I'd give a year of my life just to lead one week of any of theirs.

Charlie: "'You borrow my brain for five seconds and just be like, 'Dude, can't handle it! Unplug this fires in a way that's not from this terrestrial realm'."

Me: Borrow my brain, you'll wonder, "Is this thing turned on yet? Is it not plugged in or something?"

Charlie: "I am on a drug. It's called 'Charlie Sheen.' It's not available 'cause if you try it once you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body."

Me: I am on a drug. It's called 'John Craig.' It actually works fairly well when you're having trouble sleeping.

Charlie: [In reference to his two "goddesses," Natalie Kenly and Rachel Oberlin] "They boil my tiger blood like a microwave on meth. They have this magical presence that makes you feel alive and focused. Jealous much, everybody?"

Me: When I see a beautiful woman, I feel a very faint stirring. Or maybe it's just the memory of a faint stirring, I'm not really sure.

Charlie: "[I have] Adonis DNA."

Me: Stuck with Quasimodo DNA.

Whose life would you rather be leading?

Bipolar disorder (and perhaps crack addiction) strike me as very small prices to pay for Charlie's kind of swagger.


Anonymous said...

Jealous? I don't think so. Charlie is an under-developed, over-publicized moron. It's too bad that that's what Hollywood chooses to celebrate.

John Craig said...

In all honesty, I don't think Hollywood is celebrating him right now so much as they're looking on in ghoulish fascination as he sinks deeper into his crack-fueled insanity.

Hollywood is not going to celebrate someone who calls Chuck Lorre "Chaim Levine" in a disparaging manner.

Anonymous said...

Perhaps I should've said too bad that you're celebrating him.

John Craig said...

The people I actually celebrate I don't refer to as sinking into a "crack-fueled insanity."

Anonymous said...

good post as always, had me laughing.Trust me, thats one life you don't want to be in, even for a minute. Its a train wreck just waiting to happen.
Mad Dog

John Craig said...

Mad Dog --
Thank you. But, well, maybe for just one minute.....

Anonymous said...


FYI Chaim Levine is actually Chuck Lorre's real name. It's genius really. Everyone knows it was disparaging yet, all he did was call him by his real name. That's why there is not more outrage over it when you compare it to, say, Mel Gibson.


John Craig said...

Hoff --
Actually, Lorre's real name is Charles Levine; the "Chaim Levine" is a reference to what he called himself in one of the shows. And I wouldn't exactly call it genius: Sheen's message was loud and clear, and given who rules Hollywood, I don't think it bodes well for his future career.

Anonymous said...

Sure enough John, He was "fired" yesterday.


John Craig said...

Hoff --

Some day you're going to come to me and say, "John, you were right about sasquatch, too. You know, I'm never going to doubt you again."