Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Had the President spoken his heart in that pre-Super Bowl interview....
Bill O'Reilly: Mr. President, thank you for agreeing to this interview.
Barack Obama: Well, my aides felt I'd look more courageous going into the lion's den.
O'Reilly: No lion's den here Mr. President, you know me, I'm just a pussycat. Okay, recent polls have indicated that your approval ratings are on the rise. Your State of the Union speech, your repeal of the don't ask don't --
Obama: Bill, excuse me, I think I know what you're driving at. A lot of folks are saying I'm not going to be reelected next year. I think they're misguided. But just in case, I've been planning my next move, and I'm thinking I could have a career in the NBA. Listen, I'm not foolish, I don't think I can play center or anything. I'm a realist, I see myself as a point guard.
O'Reilly: (Laughs politely.) Mr. President, getting back to --
Obama: No, I'm serious. Since I've become President, I've played with some of those guys, like at my birthday party last summer. And I honestly think I can stick with them. They're just not as good as everybody thinks they are. I've scored on Carmelo, and I've even stolen the ball from Dwayne.
O'Reilly: Mr. President, I'm glad your job has afforded you the opportunity to actually play basketball with real NBA stars. But I think we should explain to our audience here that you're well aware that those guys were just handing the ball to you and letting you shoot because you're the President.
Obama: Bill, I can see why you think that, but that's actually not the case. Lebron told me that I'm as good a ball handler as half the guys in the NBA. And Bill -- I think we can both agree that Lebron knows basketball.
O'Reilly: Uh, Mr. President, with all due respect, you couldn't make the starting five at Punahou. What makes you think you can make it in the NBA?
Obama: Listen, Bill, I've been practicing pretty hard recently. And I have some pretty good moves now. One time I even got past Joaquim Noah. Ever see how tall that guy is? You know, by the way, a lot of these guys, they're just not as tall as advertised. Every guy in the NBA who's six foot nine or over is listed at seven feet. Heck, when I get to the NBA they'll probably say I'm six-five!
O'Reilly: (laughing) You know, Mr. President, I think you're actually on to something. I see what you're getting at. Any team in the NBA would love to have you on their roster. Think about what your presence could do for ticket sales. And you'd actually be doing something you love.
Obama: (somewhat impatiently) Bill, you're really not getting me here. I think I could contribute to a team -- as a legitimate player.
O'Reilly: Okay, well, Mr. President, uh, on a different subject, do you think your administration is doing enough regarding the current tensions in Egypt --
Obama: I really don't think the American people want to get bogged down in another land war, do you? The American people....well, let's be honest, most folks are like me -- they'd rather watch sports.
O'Reilly: Well, you've got a point there. Mr. President, uh, which sport do you most enjoy watching?
Obama: Besides basketball? Golf. And you know, that's what I intend to do with my summers -- join the PGA tour.
O'Reilly: Mr. President, you know, this was supposed to be a serious interview --
Obama: I'm being serious! People don't think I'm a hard worker, but I am -- I'm dedicated, and my game has sharpened up recently. I'm not lazy like Bush, who gave up on golf just two and a half years into his first term. I practice at least once, maybe twice, every single week. You wouldn't believe how much I've improved in the last two years. Now I realize I'd have to start out on the satellite tour --
O'Reilly: Mr. President, have you been on any medications recently?
Obama: Bill -- I've never felt better. Listen, forget about that duffer you saw two years ago who half the time would shank the ball way out into the rough. I'm a much, much better player than I was then. The other day I shot a 79. Now I know, they close the course down for me, and maybe it's a little different when you have all those spectators watching you. But I think I can do it. I've got pretty good nerves. Look at the way I lie with a straight face all the time. You know, I think I'd actually make a pretty good poker player....