Back in December I wrote about how I had come to that most unwelcome of conclusions, that I am a beta male.
Further reflection has only reinforced that unpleasant realization:
During a conversation, an alpha male takes the measure of the other man, figuring out what makes him tick and how he can manipulate him. I worry about the kind of impression I'm making.
An alpha male sitting next to another guy may put his arm around him, and let his leg rest against the other guy's, concerned neither with issues of personal space nor interpretation. I cross my arms and hold my legs together, careful not to touch.
An alpha shakes hands by holding his own hand close to his own body, so the other guy has to bend forward to shake, bowing slightly. The alpha then pulls the other guy forward by putting his arm around his neck in a faux-affectionate gesture. I'm usually that other guy.
When an alpha male sees a strange dog, be it a German Shepherd or Rottweiler, he squats down and massages its scalp in a rough, familiar way. I sort of turn sideways and hope it doesn't bite.
An alpha male occasionally succumbs to road rage. I'm more prone to road fear. ("I hope that guy doesn't get mad at me for cutting him off -- I didn't mean to.") If I hit my horn by accident, I wince and then shake my head at whoever might look, to let them know it was an unintentional honk.
An alpha never thinks about how much gas he is wasting by flooring the accelerator all the time. I drive like a parsimonious old lady.
When an alpha sees an attractive woman, his penis grows slightly and starts to drool. Mine shrinks as I wonder whether I'd be able to perform with her. Then I wonder how she'd react if I were unable.
Alphas never really listen to women; at most they just pretend to. I actually think about what they say, and weigh their words.
When women complain about how men are rough and egotistical and insensitive and uncouth, alpha males just think to themselves, women are so goddamn stupid. I find myself agreeing with some of those comments.
When an alpha male sees a weepie chick flick, he either falls asleep or finds it funny. I try to hide my tears.
An alpha male just loves the feel of a .357 in his hand. I find the loud report and recoil of a .22 unpleasant.
An alpha expresses his rage by throwing things, or breaking things. When I get really riled, I'll compose a sternly worded letter to the editor -- but then not send it.
When an alpha male sees a person of another race in his neighborhood, he gives him a malevolent stare, letting him know he's being watched. I try to make him feel welcome.
I console myself with the knowledge that the meek shall inherit the earth.
Recently, however, I've begun to doubt this.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
9 comments:
Don't worry John, just hang out with Johnny and Mad Dog, I'm sure that there will be more than enough alpha to go around. ;) I'm wondering, is alphaness an inherited trait?
Depending on the answer to that question, there are some interesting possible follow up questions.....
G
(Funny post BTW)
PS I actually thought you were just describing the difference between a New Englander and a New Yorker.
G
G --
Thanks; actually, my theory is that it goes every other generation.
I guess it is a little like NY vs. New England. This is self-serving, but you could also analyze it at the narcissist vs. non-narcissist level.
John,
Great post, as always.
I feel that all of us have both traits built into our being. Depending on the situation one or the other comes out. For most of the examples in your post I'm a beta,with exception to the .357, personally I prefer the .45.You know me, I'm a very mellow person willing to help anyone one out, but if you f--k with me I'll be your worst nightmare.
Mad Dog
Mad Dog--
Good observation, I agree, I've been on both sides of most of those situations.
And yes, that's why I don't f--k with you.
Leaving aside false modesty in the service of humor, the beta you describe would make a lot better company (to a man or a woman) than the alpha you describe.
if one is a really good beta male can he acheive the rank of "master beta male"?
My favorite articles are the ones where you refocus our attention to suspicious behavior. Do tell us your perspective on the Sperminator...
Jill
I'm responding to all of the last three comments here, as I haven't figured out how to control the order in which they get put up.
Anonymous -- I agree. I guess I used some particularly obnoxious examples of alpha-dom in an effort to make myself look more sympathetic.
Dave -- I think every guy achieves that status on a fairly regular basis.
Jill -- Coming right up. I have a rough draft of a post on both Schwarzenegger and Strauss-Kahn which I'll put up fairly soon. I have to warn you, you may be disappointed by my (somewhat inconclusive) conclusion though.
Post a Comment