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Sunday, February 12, 2012

Confessions of a beta male XIV: Sex

An alpha about to go to bed with a new woman for the first time feels as if he's just stumbled onto a hidden treasure. A beta feels as if he is onstage, and must give the performance of his life.

A beta thinks, I better acquit myself well, otherwise she'll think I'm no good in bed. (This, of course, makes him less likely to perform well.) An alpha thinks, she better do everything I want and be good in bed.

During sex, a beta always worries about his performance. An alpha is about as self-conscious as a hungry dog with a t-bone that just fell off the grille.

A beta, if struck impotent, will be mortified, and think, what's wrong with me? On the rarer occasions when this happens to an alpha, he wonders, what's wrong with her? Hmm, guess she's not that attractive after all.

A beta tends to excel at foreplay. An alpha assumes that just being around him is such a turn on he needn't bother with preliminaries.

During the initial stages of a seduction, if a girl says no, a beta is likely to take her at her word. An alpha just acts as if he didn't hear her.

A beta is much more likely to perform oral sex. An alpha, to demand it.

A beta's ideal romp is one where he acquits himself well and feels confident that he's earned his return ticket. An alpha ideal date is one where his girlfriend gives him a massage, then a blow job, and then he rolls over and falls asleep.

A beta feels obliged to cuddle afterward, and pretend to be interested in what the woman has to say. An alpha either reaches for the remote to turn on the game, or pulls on his pants and walks out the door.

A beta wonders about the other guys a woman has been with, and how he compares, especially in the size department. As far as an alpha is concerned, every woman he's with was for all practical purposes a virgin to real men -- until she met him.

A beta much more likely to put a girl on a pedestal, and imagine he's fallen in love. An alpha never crosses the line from healthy desire to infatuation or obsession.

A beta assumes he is lucky to be with whatever woman he is with. (As in, "I'm hoping to get lucky tonight.") An alpha tends not to use that phrase, as he assumes any woman is lucky to be with him.

(I didn't write this one in first person only because it would have been too awkward to put everything in past tense. At my age, I can no longer claim to even be pathetic.)


Brian Fradet said...

Hi John,

I'm probably wrong, but if I didn't know any better, I'd think that you could have substituted the word sociopath with the word Alpha. A sociopath being someone with no conscious of others. What might I be missing? Interesting article. Brian

John Craig said...

Brian --
Not sociopaths, but narcissists. Good observation.

By the way, it's not that sociopaths are not conscious of others, they just have no concern for others. They actually have pretty accurate antennae for others' foibles and weaknesses so they can exploit them.

The Ambivalent Misanthrope said...

I can't believe the dearth of comments on this post. I was on the floor hurting, laughing so hard. It's perfect. And true.

Maybe your bets male readers found it a bit too close to the bone? I'm sorry, I can't stop laughing....

John Craig said...

Ambivalent Misanthrope --
Thank you so much. I actually wrote this entire series because I figured that most guys would identify with it. Most guys hate to admit it, but we all have beta characteristics, and if we don't, it's only because we're narcissists (or worse). There's another one in this series which is also sort of about sex, how an alpha and beta react to being at a strip club:

Kæla Brown said...

One is crippling insecure and the other is a narcissist?

John Craig said...

Kaela Brown --
Pretty much. (I'm exaggerating to make a point, but, yeah.)