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Saturday, February 21, 2015

Confessions of a beta male, Part XX: Crushes

There's something about getting insane crushes, to the point where every mundane thing about a girl seems magical, that exudes beta-ness.

Someone once said, if we weren't told there was such a thing as romantic love, would we feel it? It's a good question. Some of it may be the power of suggestion, but I do remember experiencing it -- or at least a version of it -- as a first grader. And at that point I couldn't possibly have been inculcated yet. Back then, I felt that way about a girl named Adrienne Zuppe.

Romantic love is, as has been noted by many, a form of temporary insanity. And, when I was younger, and would finally come to my senses a few months later, I always felt foolish.

But not that foolish. I recently saw my first grade class picture, and was struck by how Adrienne Zuppe really was as pretty as I had remembered.

It would probably be more palatable to say that when I had crushes on girls, it was for something other than their looks. But it never was. "Falling in love," for me at least, always meant falling in love with a face. As superficial as that makes me sound, that's how it happened.

(Hey, at least I never fell in love with a pair of tits, or an ass.)

I remember feeling a little hot in Zuppe's presence. It wasn't a sexual feeling; I just sort of felt hot all over, especially in the face. Actually having a crush -- even when you're past puberty -- is not primarily a sexual feeling, even if it is a sort of erotic obsession. In fact, if it's intense enough, it actually robs you of sexual feeling.

In any case, I still remember all the girls I ever had crushes on, from first grade on. (Now that I think of it, even remembering people is sort of beta. "Sorry, have we met before?" sounds far more alpha.)

The worst part about a crush is being rejected. (And if you feel that way, you're far more likely to be rejected, as you'll lose whatever cool you might otherwise have.) I've sometimes wondered if "romantic love" isn't just depression looking for an expression.

The alphas I've known -- most of whom had narcissistic personalities -- never seemed susceptible to this sort of fixation. To them, the idea of romantic love is incomprehensible. If they got turned down, so what? It might be sexually frustrating, but that was the extent of it.

There's something almost a little feminine about "falling in love," even heterosexually.

Example: an alpha male has a high school class with an extremely pretty girl and lusts after her. His feelings can pretty much be summed up by, I really, really want to see that body naked.

Then, if the alpha gets rejected, he thinks, what a stuck up bitch, and forgets about her.

A beta looks at her and pines away, thinking, she's so wonderful, it would just be heaven to live the rest of my life with her. And every word from her lips sounds like music.

Then, if the beta gets rejected, he gets depressed.

Or, even worse, the beta just worships her from afar, too shy and afraid of rejection to make a move in the first place.

Being horny, and just wanting a handy female body to use, is alpha. Being romantic, and pining away for a specific person, is beta.

It's a little embarrassing to admit, but I spent my youth as a complete beta.


Anonymous said...

John--nice article. I don't know about the beta aspect, but just making some kind of connection with a hot and fertile woman can certainly give one a dopamine high, which is probably what you're talking about. I've felt it many times and I think it's actually healthy to experience it now and again-I know I do. When this happens to me my 61 year old body feels 25 again and the aliveness is amazing. I recommend it. Absent that, one wallows in the suppression of the human spirit, domesticating oneself like an animal, and psychologically castrating himself. Which is probably why there are so many depressed people with low testosterone. Thanks for letting me opine. Brian

John Craig said...

Brian --
Thank you. I know what you mean about the high. What I was talking about, however, is a little more extreme, more like an obsession.

As far as psychologically castrating oneself, I agree, there is a lot of that going on. And I think a lot of it has to do with acting as we think we ought to, as opposed to how nature made us want to. Of course, if we act too much like nature made us want to, we end up in jail.

Anonymous said...

I had a huge crush in college on a psychology professor, taking more courses than was necessary, knowing that he would be the class instructor. He was a flirt, a really fun, interesting person. This man was actually a decent instructor, his teaching style being fun, low key.


John Craig said...

Birdie --
I hope you've had more than one crush in your life….

Anonymous said...

My first crush was in elementary school, liking a boy named Jim W. His dad was in law enforcement. Jim's father owned a Delorean car - the man brought his car to school (for show-and-tell, I guess) and showed the kids his super cool car (it was cool to the dad, I'm sure). I hadn't thought of this in YEARS. More crushes followed in middle school, high school, etc.


John Craig said...

Birdie --
I think that if one is inclined that way, a serious crush occurs once every two or three years.

But you're female, so you're supposed to have them. I think for a guy, it's a little unbecoming.

Jokah Macpherson said...

"It's a little embarrassing to admit, but I spent my youth as a beta."

But you're an alpha now, muahahaha!!!!

I had more or less the same crush throughout high school. She had the same name as a country music star at the time. She was cute in the way that most girls that age are but not mind-blowingly beautiful or anything. I think what mainly fueled my obsession was that she had a similar sense of humor to me (rare for a girl) so conversations came naturally. I finally got the courage to take her to senior prom but that was as far as it ever got; in those pre-Heartiste days of 2001 I had no clue how to square the circle between friendship and sexual attraction or that they were even different things when the opposite sex was involved.

This seems to me like the main reason betas get crushes, though; when you aren't naturally attractive or forceful enough selling yourself, you are mostly invisible to women so any that do acknowledge you in a positive way are going to come across as "special" relative to your lack of outside experience.

What I'd like to know: has anyone developed a crush on Hillary Clinton based on the super dreamy photo at the top of the previous post? Bill, you sly dog, curse you for snatching her up so quickly.

John Craig said...

Jokah --
You caught me -- I admit it, I have a crush on Hillary. (And btw, I'm not trying to suggest I'm alpha now, it's just that i'm 60 and married and…..)

You're certainly less superficial than me if part of the reason for your crush was a similar sense of humor.

I could have used a little Heartiste in my youth as well. The one book I ever had legitimately published, The Machiavellian's Guide to Womanizing (under the pseudonym Nick Casanova), contained some Heartiste-type advice, but large parts of it were just meant to be funny rather than instructive.

Anonymous said...

This is a good article. I'm having flash backs to the past, remembering all the guys that I've had crushes on. OMG - finding it funny. I hope this is normal.


John Craig said...

Birdie --
Thank you….You strike me as normal.

I wrote it thinking others would identify with it.

Steven said...

Surely most guys have strong crushes, especially as kids.

Maybe when testosterone kicks in, that's when the alpha beta difference occurs. I can see your point. Higher t guys probably relate to women with horniness more and think more with their penises.

There is also something about fixating on one person that implies your options are limited.

Despite this, alphas can fall in love, even if they may be more likely to cheat.

John Craig said...

Steven --
You're right, I probably painted to black-and-white of a picture in this post. But it also depends on your definition of alpha, and as I've written this series, I've come more and more to see that in many cases, alpha = narcissist, and narcissistic personalities are less likely to "fall in love," whatever definition you use for that.

Also, I wouldn't say that fixating on one person necessarily implies limited options, other than self-limited.

Steven said...

I just think that if you have a lot of options and you know there will always be attractive girls available to you, you are less likely to fixate on one of them.

Incidentally, I knew a guy who might be considered omega and he had the strongest fixations on women. He seemed to develop powerful infatuations easily. This lends support to the basic theory you forwarded.

John Craig said...

Steven --
Maybe I should title this series, "Confessions of an Omega male."

Steven said...

No, this guy was something else.

I think you did enough womanising in your younger days to call yourself a high beta, at least.

Not many people have had a sporting world record.

John Craig said...

Steven --
Thank you.

(That was actually sort of false modesty above, but, thank you.)

Steven said...

Yeah I know. Your self esteem isn't THAT low. ha