We are MS-13
We are the youth, and the future, of America
Henceforth, we don't want to be known as a "gang," since that word has so many negative connotations, and gives people the wrong idea about us. We want to be known as a "public service club."
The "MS" now stands for "My Savior." And the "13" alludes to our spirituality: we see ourselves as Jesus's thirteenth disciple.
We are MS-13, the public service club with a heart.
Our mission is to help youngsters from broken homes, or who came to North America by themselves, who are all alone in this great big world. We give them a group to identify with, and a sense of belonging.
We help those who are bullied. We really help them, and have a near perfect track record in that regard. Once someone is under our protection, no one bullies them anymore.
As staunch environmentalists, we care about our Mother Earth, and are doing our best, bit by bit, to alleviate the overpopulation problem.
You may have noticed our extensive tattoos. We wear these to show our lighthearted, artistic side.
Unfortunately, in the past, a few of our members have gotten carried away when it comes to promoting club interests and doing good. But please don't listen to that deplorable racist Trump who wants to persecute and deport us just because we're Latino.
We are Barack Obama's Dreamers -- young people who dream of a better future. And we proudly represent American values. Like discipline. And honor. And loyalty. Many of our members are lifelong loyalists. They understand how healthy that is.
As a nondiscriminatory club, we accept women, too. We even have a special induction ceremony for them in which, as a group, we pay humble homage to the very practice which brings us all to life.
Young men are anxious to participate in their own induction ceremony, too, since it gives them an opportunity to demonstrate their resilience. You know how young men are!
We are MS13. All we ask for is a chance at a better life. Please help us help you.