Fashion Week IV -- The men

I'm just about through with this fashion kick. I realize that everybody already knows there is a huge disconnect between what one sees on a runway and what these fashion houses actually sell to the public. Still, it's fun to examine the mentality of the designers.

Here are a few styles from recent shows:

The late Alexander McQueen took a normal jacket and put piping on it, which makes it look vaguely like a bellhop uniform. Now there's no intrinsic reason that a suit with piping is any less visually appealing than a suit without. But why would anyone want to spend a lot of money just to look like a bellhop?

A lot of the McQueen outfits look vaguely like something that someone might have worn in another culture, in another era. Say, a Soviet satellite republic like Kazakhstan, circa 1962. But when you look closely, you see that every single element clashes with every other element: a gray jacket with gray plaid pants? Formal clothes with long johns showing? Sandals? A shirt buttoned all the way to the top with no necktie? Nah, not even Borat would be caught dead in that outfit.

This agnes b. (all small letters, like e.e. cummings) outfit is probably supposed to evoke a swaggering riverboat gambler. But I'm getting less of a "See you one and raise you two" vibe and more of a "See you in stall number two" vibe.

When Sean Connery made his first appearance as James Bond, he wore this tuxedo:

But what if he had worn this outfit by agnes b. instead?

Would the Bond movies have had a different tone? Would the ladies have found Bond as compelling? Would the bad guys have found him as formidable?

Do designers like Blaak Homme prefer it when we dye our hair to match their outfits?

Doesn't this Bottega Veneta outfit look like something one of the bad guys in a Batman comic book would wear? Like maybe The Joker? Or was this suit the designer's idea of a joke?

While I've always been partial to the suit jacket-and-short-pants-with-sandals look, I prefer to wear my tie outside my shirt.

Imagine yourself walking down the main street of your hometown in this outfit. Wouldn't you have to be a little bit more confident in your masculinity than you actually are in order to pull it off?

It's very important to me to know what's in and what's out each year. Thank goodness I have Gaspard Yurkievich to guide me, otherwise I might commit the cardinal sin of actually wearing a shirt under my suit.

Doesn't this guy from DSquared2 Menswear look a little as if he couldn't decide which one of the Village People he wanted to be?

The suit by Michel Bastian isn't bad, although it's too small for the model. But why overwhelm it with those ridiculous gloves AND the boutonniere AND the sunglasses AND the silly cap?

Bernhard Willhelm personifies how important it seems to be for these designers to see themselves as "creative." But creativity without logic or purpose isn't really creativity. It's just a pile of excrement arranged a different way.

(Some might think the outfit above too easy a target. My opinion: only a very skilled satirist -- such as myself -- can actually succeed in making it look silly.)

Why do so many designers feel the necessity to make clothes, like this John Galliano Jesus-in-a-dress outfit, which scream, "I'm gay"?

Perhaps the deeper question is, what is the relationship between being homosexual and wanting to wear these kinds of clothes? Why, exactly, does wanting to suck on another man's penis have to go hand in hand with preferring mauve and puce and flashy designs?

Or, conversely, why don't guys who like breasts and vaginas want to dress more colorfully (other than on a golf course or in their old age)? After all, male birds sport bright plumage in order to attract females. Maybe it's time for male humans to do likewise.

If wearing outfits like the one above were how guys proved their masculinity, would we see more of them?

My guess is yes.

"The Grey," and wolves

Saw The Grey last night. It's about a group of roughnecks whose plane crashes somewhere in remote northern Alaska, who then have to defend themselves against a pack of wolves.

The movie was decent, though the wolves looked pretty fake. The little bit of computer animation that was used seemed to date from the pre-Jurassic Park era of filmmaking.

Liam Neeson was, as usual, excellent in a role that called for a no-nonsense tough guy, and the dialogue wasn't bad, though it did veer toward the pretentious (hence, The Grey, and not The Gray). The movie felt predictable until the end, which I'll admit surprised me.

What really struck me was how wolves were used as the villains. I'd always been under the vague impression that wolves shied away from humans, and that wolf attacks on humans were extremely rare.

So I looked it up on the internet and ran across this listing of attacks on Wikipedia. Turned out I was wrong: there have been many documented attacks on humans by wolves, especially in Europe and India.

Evidently Old World wolves are much less timid around humans than New World wolves are. There are conflicting theories about why, but the fact is, when colonists first arrived in America, they noted that while wolves were more numerous on this continent, they were also far less aggressive. (Which is not to say there haven't been killings in North America as well.)

Many wolf attacks have been by rabid animals; but there have been plenty of attacks by non-rabid wolves as well. (Rabid wolves generally just bite humans, whereas non-rabid wolves kill in order to eat.)

A few highlights:

From 1996-1997, 60 mostly prepubescent children were killed by wolves in Uttar Pradesh, India. (Wolves worldwide are more likely to see children as prey.)

From 1993 to 1995, 60 children were killed in Bihar State, India. (Wolf killings are often grouped like this because a solitary wolf or pack of wolves will start to see humans as a food source and then continue to kill them until they themselves are killed.)

From 1870 to 1887, 1445 people were killed by wolves in the European sector of Russia. In 1889, 203 people were killed there. (There is no listing for 1888, or from 1890 on.)

There were apparently a large number of wolf attacks, many fatal, on Soviet citizens on the Eastern Front during WWII. But the Soviet government squelched this information in order to minimize the apparent effects of their having disarmed the local populace. So this did not become widely known until after the fall of the Soviet Union.

Trapper Ben Cochrum was killed by wolves in 1922 in Manitoba. His remains were found among the corpses of 11 wolves, 7 of which had been shot and 4 of which had been clubbed to death. He evidently had kept fighting until the butt of his rifle was completely smashed. (Now that was a real man.)

In 1875, 721 people were killed in the Northwest Province and Bihar State in India.

In 1851, in Lorges Forest, France, a rabid wolf ran wild through nine villages, biting 40 people, 14 of whom subsequently died of rabies.

In 1833, 13 people were killed by a single rabid white wolf in western Wyoming.

From 1804 to 1853, non-rabid wolves killed 108 children, 2 men, and 1 woman in Estonia. (Given wolves' preference for smaller children, the European fairy tale of Little Red Riding Hood makes more sense.)

From 1763 to 1767, "The Beast of Gevaudan" and its whelps killed 99 people in France.

These large numbers, of course, beg the question of how well documented many of the older wolf killings actually were. I've always thought that some reported disappearances of humans, especially those which occurred a long time ago, have been false attributed to animals. Serial killers have become recognized in the past sixty or so years, but they have always existed. It would make sense that a serial killer, hearing of a local man-eater, could add his own killings to the total, secure in the knowledge that the disappearance of a few more children would be explained away as the work of the wolf.

But there is also no question that wolves do present a danger to humans, especially if they sense vulnerability. One such attack occurred as recently as 2010, when 32-year-old Candice Berner went jogging near Chignik Lake, a village southwest of Anchorage. Her mutilated body was later found surrounded by wolf tracks in the surrounding snow.

So the wolf attacks in The Grey were actually not that farfetched.

"Don't know much about history"

Hilarious -- and illuminating -- story about U.S. Representative Yvette Clark, Democrat from Brooklyn, in this morning's NY Post.

Addendum, next day: A friend just looked her up on Wiki and pointed out that Clark received a scholarship to Oberlin College in Ohio, and that she is the former chair of the United States Homeland Security Subcommittee on Emerging Threats, Cybersecurity, Science, and Technology. 

She is also a recipient of the "Prestigious APPAH/Sloan Fellowship in Public Policy and Policy Analysis."

Fashion Week III

Yet more examples of the all around usefulness of the creations from Paris this past spring:

Paco Rabanne has the perfect outfit for applying for a job as a Star Wars extra.

Tired of wearing those embarrassing hearing aids? Mr. Rabanne's sound dish will actually allow you to pick up conversations from across the room.

Paco again: Doorways may present a small problem, but if you stand next to your friends and twist back and forth quickly, you can fan them.

Paul & Joe have made dating far more efficient with this Hey-buddy-you're-halfway-to-third-base-already outfit.

Nothing says wash 'n wear and ease of care like a grass skirt! Pedro Lourenco has thoughtfully provided a headrest as well.

Thierry Mugler unveils the Oops-my-bathing-suit-ripped-so-I-had-to-wrap-this-towel-around-me look.

Want to show approval? Give this giant thumbs up by Thimister!

Valentin Yudashkin provides the absolute must-have for every wardrobe: a gown for your coronation.

Want to be left alone? Veronique Leroy has created the perfect I'm-sleepwalking-don't-disturb-me outfit.

In the mood to intimidate? This Disney-evil-queen costume by Viktor & Rolf will strike fear into anyone's heart!

Tired of being upstaged at the Kentucky Derby? This hat by Yohji Yamamoto will make the other ladies look like they're wearing beanies!

Stuck for something to wear to your next PTA meeting? This outfit by Alexander McQueen will go a long way toward explaining your child's lousy grades.

Fashion Week II

Just got an email from a friend telling me, essentially, that criticizing Fashion Week was too easy.

He completely misinterpreted that post. I admire the designers for the eminent practicality of their creations.

Allow me to illustrate with a few more examples from the Paris spring show:

Tired of the herbivores nibbling at your "buds"? This Gareth Pugh deer fence is a perfectly sensible way to keep them out of your "garden."

What better way to celebrate feminism than ironically with this Fatima Lopes droopy drawers neo-harem girl outfit?

Why be like all the other mechanics? Wow 'em down at the auto body shop with this slinky little Haider Ackermann silk number!

Afghan ladies: tired of your dreary old burkha? Try this updated Haider Ackermann version -- it's Taliban-approved!

These fashions aren't just for the idle rich -- they're for businesswomen too! This Hussein Chalayan suit will look right at home in any boardroom!

Whether you're strutting the catwalk or strutting Eighth Avenue looking for customers, those fishnet stockings can get awfully clingy! Why not try a Hakaan fishnet dress instead?

Had Indira Gandhi only had the self-confidence to get a Princess Leia hairdo, stretch her earlobes, and sport a few tats, she could have looked as John Paul Gaulthier envisioned her. Ah.....what might have been!

Boyfriend cold-hearted? Win his sympathy by saying a bird just smashed into your head because it mistook your jacket for a scallop.

Child molesters your thing? Let Louis Vuitton show you how to attract them in this sparkly number!

Having a hard time holding people's attention? This I-forgot-to-put-my-shirt-on look by Nina Ricci should even hold the eye of the ADD crowd!

Hit and Run

Just saw Hit and Run last night. It's a wonderful illustration of political correctness.

It's about a former getaway driver for a gang of bank robbers who leaves the Witness Protection program in order to escort his girlfriend to Los Angeles, where her dream job might be waiting. The problem is, by doing so, the driver exposes himself to payback by the gang members whom he testified against.

It's supposed to be a comedy. But it's hard to laugh while being lectured.

At one point in the movie, after being asked by a big lunkish white guy about his car, the hero, played by Dax Shepard, who also wrote and directed this movie, uses the word "fags." At that point his girlfriend, played by Kristin Bell, Shepard's real life fiancee, lectures him:

"You just said 'fags'."

"But not in a homophobic way. I used it instead of 'lame'."

"It's used to marginalize gay people," Bell then explains.

Shepard replies that he wasn't using the word to describe a person, or a specific sexuality, but merely a concept.

Bell then launches into a tirade about how using "the n-word" to describe her purse wouldn't make that usage acceptable. The hero then concedes and says he will work on his vocabulary.

The entire time this exchange is taking place, you wonder if there is going to be some kind of clever payoff at the end, or if the film is somehow sending up political correctness. But no, the punchline never comes; our hero and heroine are actually proving their essential goodness with this exchange.

In a later scene, when the other gang members catch up to the hero, the chief bad guy says that one of the reasons he's mad at the hero is because he was anally raped in prison. The hero expresses his sympathy, then asks if his rapist was black. He is then lectured by the bad guy about how asking such a question is racist.

(Tough white guys who rob banks for a living generally do a lot of fretting about whether certain comments might be construed as racist.)

The hero then explains that it wouldn't have been so bad if it had been a black guy, since black guys are so much more masculine and white guys are like women compared to them. After he finds out that the rapist was a Filipino, he says that's not so bad either, since Asians are even more like women.

An important lesson here: it's not quite as disgusting to have homosexual relations with other races since it's less like homosexuality; but at the same time, one mustn't demean homosexuals. Also, it's okay to compare the masculinity of different races, but not to impugn the masculinity of homosexuals.

At one point the heroine asks the hero rather snarkily if he's noticed that his muscle car attracts the attention of the wrong kind of people, i.e., big white lunks. Another important lesson: it's okay to put down Southern white guys -- partly just because they're white -- but it's not okay to use the n-word.

At one point the hero and heroine accidentally break in on a group of naked older people in a motel room who have either just had or are about to have an orgy. We are supposed to laugh at them because they are naked and fat and old. See? That's okay too. We can't laugh at homosexuals, but it's okay to laugh at oldsters and fatties.

Gotta get your sensitivities correct.

Since laughing at peoples' appearance is okay, I guess it's okay for me to point out that Dax Shepard is downright ugly by movie star standards, a chinless wonder with a blob of a nose that points way off to one side:

And that Kristin Bell is the kind of girl who looks good from a distance, but when you get up close, is actually rather ordinary-looking:

(Imagine that face without the eye makeup, without the lipstick, with her natural eyebrows, and with her hair its natural color. Yikes!)

Ordinarily I'd feel a little insensitive criticizing Shepard's and Bell's looks so harshly. But they've taught me that it's okay to get cheap laughs on the basis of someone's appearance.

You know, as long as I don't point out that Dax looks sort of like a fag.

Fashion Week

Fashion Week is coming to New York this next week!

Soon we'll get to see the new styles the world's greatest designers have determined will be "in" this coming year!

I'm so impatient I've decided to take a peek at some of the fashions from the Paris fashion show this past spring.

A few examples:

Neck rings used to do wonders for elongating the necks of the Padaung women of Burma; Jean-Charles de Castelbajac sees no reason they can't do the same for everyone else. That otherworldly take-me-to-your-leader hairstyle adds to the allure.

Some might feel that A. F. Vandevorst's Vegas showgirl headpiece clashes with the formal evening gown. But this outfit will allow you to at least partially blend in anywhere.

An exhibitionist biker chick get up: just be careful when you're riding on the back of your man's hog with the wind going at 60 mph!

This combination of a sari-like garment with the I've-just-had-a-lobotomy headpiece makes a bold statement about what achieving nirvana is really all about.

What Maid Marian might have worn had she gotten implants.

This Balenciaga amalgamation looks a little like the Tin Man from the waist down, and a jerkin worn by a medieval yeoman from the waist up. The overall effect is that of the jack in a deck of cards.

Balenciaga is given credit for this dress, but it looks more as if it was designed by a committee.

Got a taste for schoolgirl hookers?

An Alexander McQueen creation for when the Ice Capades decide to put on a production of Swan Lake.

Ann Demeulemeester has created a special outfit just for witches in mourning.

Comme des Garcons has come up the outfit that's perfect for any occasion: an Amish wedding dress with white go-go boots.

Chanel has created a special look for ladies who feel that hot pants are overly modest.

Male hormones and politics, III

I've mentioned in the past, here and here, that the amount of male hormones a guy has will determine his political outlook, with higher levels of testosterone being positively correlated with sticking up for one's own race, i.e., whites being more conservative and blacks being more leftist.

We saw the perfect example of that this past week.

Former Navy Seal Matt Bissonette, writing under the pseudonym Mark Owen, has written a book, "No Easy Day: A Firsthand Account of the Mission that Killed Osama bin Laden."

In the book, Bissonette contradicted the official White House account of the killing, saying that bin Laden was unarmed when they entered his third floor bedroom.

Most of the publicity surrounding the book has been about how Bissonette didn't get security clearance from the Pentagon before publishing the book.

But what I found most interesting about the account was how Bissonette stated that none of the SEALs were fans of President Obama. Some even grumbled on the return flight from Pakistan that they had just effectively reelected him.

If you Google-Image "Navy SEALs," you'll see that they are almost all white. Almost no blacks, Hispanics, or Asians.

If you're familiar with what they must go through to become SEALs, you'll also realize they are an extremely high testosterone group:

More evidence for the male hormones theory of how men arrive by their political stances.

Respect

After I did that post about what to expect from Ryan Lochte's fashion line, a liberal woman I know told me, "You know, you don't have enough respect for dumb people."

Yes, she actually said that.

It's certainly the best explanation for -- and summation of -- liberalism that I've ever heard.