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Monday, January 17, 2011

Portrait of a happy couple?

I've heard from a couple sources recently that Will Smith and Jada Pinkett are both gay, and are in a show business marriage (i.e., it's just for show). I might not have been inclined to believe it, since Smith doesn't set my gaydar off. But then I thought of all the pictures I've seen of the two of them together, where they are inevitably intertwined and expressing some sort of passion.

Here are Will and Jada on the red carpet, posing for the photographers by sticking their tongues down each others' throats. Or here they are at home, obviously impatient for the photographer to go away so they can jump into bed like the eager lovebirds they are. Or here they are in front of a restaurant, practically tearing each others' clothes off. And there they are dressed up in evening wear, so overwhelmed by the passion of the moment that they just have to make out like a pair of tenth graders. Hey you two -- get a room!

They're trying way, way too hard.

While looking for these pictures, I ran across this recent article, from a publication called IndiaReport:

"The secret to Will Smith's happy marriage revealed

 Los Angeles, Jada Pinkett Smith has revealed the secret ingredient to a happy married life and that is plenty of sex.

Jada who has been married to Hollywood superstar Will Smith for more than 12 years, said that the key to a happy marriage is to find time for intimate moments despite the hectic schedule, reported Ace showbiz.

'My husband and I always make time for sex! Always! No matter how busy we are. And if I told you the places! You would not even believe. It's crazy the risks that we take, but that's what keeps it so much fun,' gushed Jada.

The pair, who have two children, 11-year-old Jaden Smith and 9-year-old Willow Smith, are considered the ideal couple in Hollywood circles.

At a certain level they are ideal: Jada pretty clearly doesn't have to worry about Will seeing another woman, and Will doesn't have to worry about Jada being with another man. (Not that either of them would care.)

This article is reminiscent of Tom Cruise jumping up and down on Oprah's couch to demonstrate his love for Katie Holmes.

Newsflash: real wives don't talk like that, especially not after twelve years of marriage. After twelve years, real married couples are sick to death of each other. Most marriages become battlegrounds, accumulations of petty resentments. By this point the prevailing emotion is neither lust nor affection, but rather anger. Sex, if it happens at all, is rare. (It is replaced by bickering.) And if their house is big enough, they may even move to separate bedrooms.

Had Jada Pinkett-Smith been in a real marriage to Smith, her thoughts would have run more as follows: "After twelve years of smelling his burps and farts, after twelve years of listening to his stupid jokes and his snoring, it turns my stomach to even be in the same room as the son of a bitch. I do everything I can to avoid sex with him, and when he insists on it, I basically just hold my nose and put up with it. I can't even recall the last time he gave me an orgasm." Now Pinkett-Smith might not have actually given voice to those thoughts -- but she wouldn't have sounded the way she did in that article, either.

I don't blame actors for hiding their gayness. When I see an actor I know is gay in a clinch with some actress on screen, I can't help but think, "Hmm...."

But good actors are supposed to study the people they're portraying and observe them closely. Had Smith and Pinkett ever taken a hard look at a real married couple, they would know better than to act so deliriously happy to be together.

I've long thought Smith somewhat underrated as an actor (he was perfect in Men in Black). But while he may not get enough credit for his work onscreen, he certainly doesn't deserve any Oscars for his over the top impersonation of a heterosexual male offscreen. (For that, he actually deserves a Razzie.)

This post, by the way, is not an indictment of gay people. I've known many and liked most. It is an indictment of people who have no idea how to wear their beards.

How many married couples do you know who -- after more than ten years together -- feel obliged to demonstrate their lasciviousness and passion every time a camera is nearby?

Smith might as well have posed for those photos with a penis in his mouth.

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

Portrait of a VERY successful family business.
G

John Craig said...

G --
No question about that. I think Smith is the current reigning box office champ.

Anonymous said...

Kids hitting the big time too.
G

John Craig said...

It's ridiculous.

Anonymous said...

In due course Will will become Prez. and a new political dynasty will begin. Katherine Schwarzenegger will be veep.
G

John Craig said...

G --
Ha!

I'm guessing that Smith would be a Democrat, though, and Katherine Schwarzenegger would take after her father rather than her mother's side of the family and become a Republican. If you grew up with Arnold for a father and Teddy for an uncle, whom would you be more inclined to emulate?

Anonymous said...

Arnie for money making, Teddy for tax planning.
G

John Craig said...

G--
Ha! again.

Wise choice.

(For anyone else who happens to read this, G is referring to Teddy Kennedy's having transferred his entire estate to Tortola, in the British Virgin Islands, since Tortola doesn't have an estate tax. Yes, that Teddy, who always wanted higher taxes for everyone else.)

dgh said...

John,
This may come as a shock but some people are happily married past 12 years! I have been married 27 years and really happy - do I show my tongue when i kiss Andy, of course not. I'm sure they put on a show for the media; however, that doesn't mean that they aren't happily married. Don't be so cynical re marriage and happiness! :)

John Craig said...

Donna --
You're doing better than most; I know more married people who complain than rejoice.

As far as those two, I've heard a lot of scuttlebutt, plus all that "passion" in front of the photographers just rings completely false.

dgh said...

I agree and believe they are disingenuous with the photos etc.. it was when you wrote that people "married past 10 years are sick of each other....." that motivated me to set you straight:)

John Craig said...

Donna --
You're right; I should have inserted the adjective "most" in front of "real married couples" into that paragraph.

Steven said...

wow what a damning and depressing indictment of marriage. it cant be normal for it to be that bad, can it? The dominant emotion is anger and you can't stand each other. Jeez.

John Craig said...

Steven --
It's not all marriages, but maybe 80%; and I'm exaggerating a bit. But wait until you've been married for 12 years.

Anonymous said...

Their two kids have turned out to be flakes.

-birdie

John Craig said...

Birdie --
And tremendously egotistical little snowflakes, at that.