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Wednesday, September 9, 2015

As long as they're considering Idris….

What with Daniel Craig about to abdicate the role, there's been some recent talk of Idris Elba being cast as the next James Bond:

Some people seem to be saying, why does James Bond have to be white? This is 2015! Take that, you racists!

Of course, some hide-bound traditionalists are bemoaning that possibility, even calling it a sacrilege, since Bond was created by Ian Fleming to represent all that is best about British, Anglo-Saxon manhood.

But I applaud the choice. In fact, I think we should open our minds to other possibilities as well.

Why not also consider an openly gay James Bond? Who says Bond has to be straight? I hereby nominate Boy George to be the next Bond:

Making 007 a bit of a Karma Chameleon is a long overdue idea. Take that, you homophobes!

For that matter, why not cast a woman? Anne Hathaway would make a great Jane Bond. Okay, so she was born in Brooklyn. But she is of British descent, and her years spent as a Women's Studies minor at Vassar should give her the gumption and smarts to embody this feminist dream come true:

And if you still want all the Bond babes, well, we'll just make Jane a lesbian. Problem solved! Take that, you sexists!

Also, why does James Bond have to be lean? It would be a great gesture of inclusivity to cast Richard Griffiths as the next Bond:

Frankly, Griffiths is twice the man that Daniel Craig ever was: let's make 007 into 014. This would be a great step towards ending fat-shaming.

In fact, why does Bond have to be attractive at all? It's time to end lookism completely. How reassuring would it be to all of the ordinary-looking guys in the world if someone who looks like Peter Pettigrew --

--  could pull in the Bond babes? How nice would it be to know that you don't have to look like Sean Connery to get plenty of Pussy (Galore)?

And what's all this prejudice about Bond having to be a jock? Perhaps the best Bond of all would be cerebral Englishman Stephen Hawking:

After all, Bond lived by his wits, and Hawking certainly has the mental firepower. While this Bond battled SPECTRE, he could also vanquish the tyranny of the able-bodied.

What a wonderful world it would be if we could only set aside all of our prejudices.

Let's hope Hollywood sees it the same way.


Anonymous said...

Richard Griffiths passed away in 2013... but I get where you were going with it.


John Craig said...

Anon --

Thank you for correcting my mistake.

Mark Caplan said...

Not so quick, Anon: Who says a dead person wouldn't make a great James Bond if lent a helping hand and a leg up? #DeadLivesMatter.

Shaun F said...

John - that was good for a morning chuckle. Thanks. Wow, Boy George - just like Jason in Friday the 13th - he's back!

John Craig said...

Shaun --
In that case Jason needs to go on a diet.

Steven said...

I'd go for a disabled black lesbian. Stick it to everyone.

Actually, I don't mind Elba as Bond. Although I'm not a Bond fan and I've only really liked one Bond film- Casino Royale.

John Craig said...

Steven --
I like Elba as an actor, and enjoyed the BBC series "Luther" very much. But as silly as it sounds to say about a fictional character, James Bond isn't black.

Imagine what the reaction in the black community wold be if they did a sequel to Shaft starring Tom Cruise.

Quartermain said...


John Craig said...

Allan --
Thank you for that, I really enjoyed that article. I hadn't realized Massie was black until I got to the end of the article, but that makes sense -- it's how he got away with writing it, I guess. Michelle Obama IS addicted to expensive vacations, and it's amazing how little focus that gets from the media. I hadn't know about her listing her daughters as "staff" for that African vacation, either. And I hadn't realized she enjoyed expensive liquor so much; wonder how that fits in with her healthy eating campaign.