I don't know if anyone is still reading this thread. I am writing this in terrible dread. I wAs a sociopathic preacher. I was acting totally unchristlike behind the scenes until I was caught and exposed. Not until the. did I realize I had never been truly converted. That was 3 years ago. Since then I have frantically talked with every preacher, theologian and counselor I could out of fear that I am a false teacher. I could never find relief. I spend my time now on the Internet trying to find something that will help, but to no avail. I realize that I am a sociopath. I am terrified because I had much light (a Ph.D. in NT), and had ministered as an assistant pastor, bible college administrator and missionary in E. Europe and China. I maneuvered myself so that I would have high positions, which also resulted into much money, which I was dishonest about. I lied and told stories from the pulpit, and made merchandise out of believers in persecuted countries to enhance my position and wealth, while being very lazy in the Lord's work. I turned grace into license and became progressively more sensual to the point of a willful, deceptive affair. When my wife first confronted me, I lied to her and then to two pastors about it. Looking back, the only way I can explain it is that I am a classic sociopath. I now can't believe that I did all that I did without any pangs of conscience. I realize I never had the capacity to love or really have empathy toward others. I don't want to believe that I am an apostate, but everything fits. My heart literally feels hard and I believe I am now terrorized by many unclean spirits. have already had one stint in a mental hospital and have lost my family. My wealth has dwindled to near nothing. I alwAys taught that the worst places in hell were for false teachers, but never dreamed that I was describing myself. I constantly look on the Internet for any glimmer of hope, but always come up empty-handed. I am living as a walking damned one. I can't believe I was so blind. The idea from Rom. 9 that God created me for this purpose is so hard for me to swallow. My wife on the other hand, whom I despised in my mind as too simple for me, always bore the marks of a true, spirit-filled believer. She is experiencing God's great blessing now (a d for eternity). I was proud; she was humble. We both proved whose children we really were. If anyone reading this could possibly offer any hope, I would be eternally grateful.
There are only two possibilities here: either you're a sociopath or you're not.
If you actually feel as remorseful about your actions as you claim, then you're not one, and there's hope for you. (I'm speaking of "hope" in the same religious/redemptive sense that you are, even though I'm not religious myself.)
The other possibility is that you are a sociopath and are merely claiming to feel bad, or strongly exaggerating your slight feelings of regret, when you really don't feel that strongly, in which case your comment is just a bunch of malarkey.
It's one or the other. You have to take a hard look at yourself and decide which.
The more I think about it, the more I realize that only the second possibility can be true. It would be pretty much impossible for him to have pretended to be a holy man without essentially being a con artist, and it's pretty much impossible to be a con artist without being a sociopath. (If he's actually lying about having done all those things, then he's just a sport liar, which would also indicate sociopathy.)
And since he's a sociopath, he can't be feeling all the guilt-ridden angst he's laying claim to. This is a classic example of false emotionality by a sociopath. Note the dramatic way he oversells his feelings (italics mine):
"I am writing this in terrible dread..."
"I have frantically talked with every preacher, theologian and counselor I could out of fear that I am a false teacher. I could never find relief."
'I am terrified…."
"My heart literally feels hard and I believe I am now terrorized by many unclean spirits."
"I constantly look on the Internet for any glimmer of hope, but always come up empty-handed. I am living as a walking damned one."
"If anyone reading this could possibly offer any hope, I would be eternally grateful."
What he's looking for is third parties to tell him that by recognizing his sins he has redeemed himself and that he's really an okay guy. (Sociopaths are generally willing to believe anything good anybody else tells them about themselves.)
Or it could be that he's merely setting himself up for another run as a preacher, this time selling himself as a lost sheep who has found himself.
I suppose there's yet another possibility here: that he's genuinely superstitious himself and is worried that he has angered God and will spend an eternity in hell.
But all of these possibilities presuppose that he is in fact a sociopath.
(Though I'm not religious myself, as far as I'm concerned, all sociopaths can go rot in hell.)