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Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Putting it all together

(At left, Tiger Woods while at Stanford; at right, more recently)

It came to me about the time that Tiger's eighth or ninth girlfriend raved about his insatiable sex drive: the reason Tiger was so incredibly horny is that he was on steroids.

According to the police report from the night of his accident, Woods's wife told them that he had been drinking earlier that day, and also had prescriptions for the sedative Ambien and the pain killer Vicodin. All of which means that Tiger certainly doesn't have anything against putting foreign substances into his body.

You may remember speculation a while back that the drastic change in Tiger's build from his mid-twenties to his early thirties was due to juicing. He said he had weight-lifted extensively before, but before his late twenties had never been able to put on weight. Then, all of a sudden, he magically went from 158 pounds to around 200.

Well, one of the side effects of steroids is that one becomes extremely lustful. I've heard bodybuilders say that when they're on the juice, they would need an entire harem to take care of their needs. The difference with Tiger was, he had the means to actually finance that harem.

Tiger was evidently so desperate for sex that he would have it in the back seat of a car in a church parking lot. He would text his various girlfriends and ask them for dirty pictures, or tell them that he would wear them out. And evidently he did -- most of his girlfriends during his many overlapping affairs were impressed by his stamina and drive.

If Tiger wasn't on steroids, he deserves a medal of some sort.

I certainly can't prove that Tiger was juicing. But it just makes too much sense. You rarely see the kind of wholesale change in build he went through in his late twenties. He simply switched his original body for another. And almost all of these affairs seem to have taken place in the last several years, during his marriage. If he was so driven by sex, why did he never had a reputation as a prolific womanizer during his single days?

If this is true -- and I'd bet a lot of money it is -- Tiger is in a bad place right now. At some level he must want to blame his wanton behavior on the steroids he ingested ("It wasn't me, I was in the grip of this powerful drug"). But he won't, because he knows what the downside is. If someone should happen to come forward at this point to say that he sold Tiger steroids, not only will Tiger's formerly pristine personal reputation be in tatters, so will his reputation as a great golfer. And the latter is now all he has left. I'm not sure what the rules are regarding steroids in golf, but at the very least the public would regard his record as tainted.

And instead of going down in history as Usain Bolt, he would go down as Ben Johnson.

Okay, I promise, this will be the last post on Tiger Woods. Well, I guess I can't promise that. The subject is just too juicy.

I guess if I had gone into journalism, I would have ended up writing for Star Magazine or the National Enquirer rather than the Wall Street Journal.


Anonymous said...

Interesting theory John. (As I understand it, the PGA started drug testing quite recently so until then he wouldn't have needed to worry about negative tests.) This is actually also a theory that perhaps speaks well of Tiger, in a slightly obtuse way: many juicers suffer from 'roid rage but so far there are no reports of any violent behavior by Tiger. Better a philanderer than a wife/girlfriend beater?

John Craig said...

Thank you Guy, I agree completely. And not only was he not violent, when his wife got violent with him, he simply responded by getting into his SUV and driving away (though he didn't get very far).

PS -- I think you mean "oblique," not "obtuse."

(PPS -- You have no idea how much pleasure it gives me to be able to correct an Englishman on his English.)

Anonymous said...

John, you are quite right to call me on the use of "obtuse" which I think is most commonly used to mean dull or dim-witted. However, I think you will find that it can also be used to mean indirect, or circuitous, which is the meaning I intended. You should be aware though that my nationality is most definitely not as badge of literacy. My kids have found that at their schools in the US there is more attention to correct use of language than at their comparably expensive schools in the UK. (BTW, I am relatively illiterate by my school and family standards.)
PS I also like "oblique". As a math major I am happy with any words that are familiar!

John Craig said...

What I should have said was that it gives me great pleasure to correct someone who is smarter than me -- obtuse fellow that I am.

American schools may pay more attention to language, but my impression is that the English people still have better command of it. (Or is it just the British accent which gives that impression?)

Anonymous said...

It is certainly nice to enjoy positive national stereotyping, for which I particularly thank Churchill. As far as I know Russell Brand and Sacha Baron Cohen have not yet undone his legacy.

John Craig said...

I find Sacha Baron Cohen hilarious, although I despise his underlying politics. I actually shelled out thirty bucks the other day to get the blu-ray version of "Bruno" just so I can show it to visitors.

And I found Russell Brand's faux-lefty music video "We've got to do something" very funny too.

Both compare very favorably with pc American comics like Robin Williams.

Anonymous said...

I just watched the RB video you suggested. A perfect parody of the hypocrisy of the tax-dodging, carbon hoofing, you've got to do something, bono-geldofers.

John Craig said...


Anonymous said...

John, One thing you have always been good @ is picking out roid users. I think you nailed this one.

But we will never know. If rich athletes like Dara Torres can avoid detection, certainly Tiger can.


John Craig said...

Thanks Michael. The PGA only started testing last year, and Tiger's certainly a lot richer than Dara Torres.

BTW, I had you picked out from the moment I first saw you.