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Wednesday, December 2, 2015

If history were recorded by fashion writers

Every now and then, after stumbling across an article on fashion, I'll wonder, what if these were the scribes who wrote the final draft of history? How would our textbooks read? Where would the emphasis lie?

Attila looks stylishly equestrian in piped breeches with a gold breastplate and sandals to match. But with the always well turned out Attila, form follows function: the high-riding body armor allows for ease of movement as he pivots on his bay mare to let loose another volley at the enemies of fashion. And that cute rabbit fur hat keeps him toasty on those cold Teutonic nights! This Hun is the scourge of everybody who finds grunge acceptable!

Alexander's armored mini-skirt reveals a scandalous amount of leg, but who can blame him when he has such manly quadriceps? Ooh la la! And how jaunty he looks with that over-the-shoulder scarf tossed just so! They don't call him "The Great" for nothing! Even his horse is stylishly attired! And note Alex's haircut, short in front and long in back: wear a mullet and conquer the world! That's our Alex -- subduing the Balkans, Asia Minor, Macedonia, Persia, the Levant, Assyria, Babylonia, and India, all for the right to marry his boyfriend!

Vlad III, Prince of Wallachia, isn't shy about sporting fancy bling! That ermine cap (dyed red with the blood of his enemies) with pearl headband provides a perfect backdrop for the giant ruby set in a solid gold star, which emphasizes the prince's piercing gaze. If fashion were a car race, Vlad would definitely be sitting in the pole position! Note the fancy brooch holding together the finely textured cape: Count Dracula wouldn't be caught dead wearing anything less!

Tamerlane looks regal in his royal headdress with egret plume, and those spikes on his crown show that he means business! His blue tunic with the paisley/Islamic crescent motif and red lapels set off his flowery silk robe perfectly, while his white undergarment symbolizes the fact that even after all those bloody sieges, his soul is still pure. Think of that stern visage as yet another accessory: it just wouldn't be right to sack a city while looking sheepish!

Atahualpa had absolutely no choice but to bow before the superior fashion sense of Francisco Pizarro! The Incan must have been overwhelmed by the spiked helmet with the sumptuous feathers streaming behind, the royal blue shirt, and contrasting red sash. Long live conquistador chic! And check out the long sword and brown tights -- Francisco is one macho peach, you can't deny that!

Benito makes a bold statement in a cap with red braid and a beautiful gold-plated eagle. The bird matches his epaulets, buttons, and eagle on his arm, adding just the right touch of color coordination. The black shirt reflects Benito's point of view perfectly! And the hands of his German Leica sweep reliably around their axis, letting Il Duce know when it's time to get rid of those pesky limits to his power. Whether you're talking fascism or fashionism, Benito rules!

A true leader doesn't have to wear loud clothes that scream, look at me! Adolf's brown, double-pocket jacket exudes an understated, quiet authority which does far more for him than any loud zoot suit would. It's just enough to keep him warm on those cool Alpine evenings! Adolf's unique mustache shows that he is a fashion leader, not a follower. And while some fuhrers might be torn between wearing a swastika or iron cross, Adolf's final solution was pure genius: he sported both!

Political power may come from the barrel of a gun, but fashion power comes from timeless simplicity and austere elegance, and the buttoned up Mao Zedong embodied both! There is nary a wrinkle in sight, either on Mao's minimalist jacket or on his serene, youthful countenance. It may seem to come easy for the Chairman, but it's actually a long march to such revolutionary elegance.

No one -- but no one -- could rock a camouflage outfit and matching cap like Manuel Noriega! The man was equally at home in a jungle and behind a microphone! SeƱor Noriega may have been dogged by some nasty rumors about torturing and homosexually sodomizing his prisoners, but he also never forgot his friends: he helped Pablo Escobar export his product, and Fidel Castro export his revolution -- all while retaining his common touch!

The medals that Idi Amin wore, like the titles he bestowed upon himself, were all richly merited. One does not earn that kind of hardware by cannibalizing others' heroism! Even more impressive is the way Idi wore them: with understated good taste and a finely tuned sense of proportion. Amin's well cut uniform perfectly reflected his quiet refinement, proving yet again that high moral standards do go hand in hand with high sartorial standards.

If you have to think of one word to describe Saddam Hussein, it would probably be…..dapper. He looks as if he had practically been born in a homburg, with dark blue overcoat and suit to match! Even his tie, with subtle white dots, adds to his air of savoir faire. Those sheikhs in Kuwait, with their traditional dish dashes and keffiyehs, could never have hoped to be a match for this Beau Brummell! Let others learn from Saddam's example -- his every last accoutrement should be regarded as a weapon of mass instruction!

No man on earth could ever hope to outshine Muammar's breathtaking fashion range. Whether he is sporting a sky blue military ensemble, a wool-lined aviator jacket with Mongol hat, or a color-coordinated kepi with semi-traditional Arab robe, you can always pick Muammar out in a crowd! All those outfits must take some serious storage space though, and he probably uses his formidable all female Praetorian Guard to protect it. Woe to the man who does not let that locker be!


Anonymous said...

Good post! Funny!

- Susan

John Craig said...

Thank you Susan.

Anonymous said...

LOL. This is truly LOL funny. You must be (or have been) a professional scribbler.

Now do Obama. I dare you.

And Trump?


John Craig said...

Lady Bug --
Thank you.

What do you mean, "do Obama"? I've actually made fun of him and Trump both quite a bit on this blog in the past. If you're talking about analyzing their wardrobes, I'm afraid there's not much there form to pick on, they both wear fairly standard suits most of the time.

Jokah Macpherson said...

You pulled off that "fashion voice" far too well.

John Craig said...

Jokah --
Actually, this post was done in my real voice. It's all the other posts that are fake.

Remnant said...


John Craig said...

Thank you Remnant.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, that's what I meant. I guess you're right - people who dress conventionally just aren't good subjects for caricature.

So how about the San Bernardino shooters? They were dressed in full ninja battle gear.

La Bugga

John Craig said...

Lady Bug --
Again, I probably couldn't draw a lot of humor froths outfits, and in any case, the wounds of their victims -- deaths, actually -- are a little recent for me to be trying to extract humor from them. (Not that the shooters themselves don't deserve mockery.)

I was actually trying to think of something to say about them that hasn't been said already, but couldn't think of anything that hasn't been pointed out already. The hypocrisy of the Left, who as soon as this turned out to apparently be another Muslim-related terror attack, tried to frame it as a matter of gun control. The fact that seemingly normal Muslims are potential terrorists. And so on. The way the media will spin something has become so predictable that it's almost not worth pointing out.

Anonymous said...

Agree, my suggestion was somewhat tasteless, but of course - the guys in this mocking post are all mass killers, worse than the San B. terrorists.

I can't even watch the news anymore. I tried to and had to turn their lying BS coverage off. I don't think I have to explain why.

Lady Bug

John Craig said...

Lady Bug --
Believe me, I'm not accusing you of tastelessness. This entire post is the definition of tastelessness: as you rightly point out, it's entirely about mass killers. It's just that SB just happened, the pain is still fresh, especially for those who lost loved ones, and even I can't quite bring myself to make a joke out of it at this point. (BTW, my primary intent with this post was to make fun of fashion writers.)

Couldn't agree with you more about the coverage.

Dave Moriarty said...

this is very clever

Womens Wear Daily ( does this still exist?) is missing an opportunity

thanks for posting this

John Craig said...

Thank you Dave.

But I think WWD wouldn't touch this, or they'd essentially be making fun of themselves.

Anonymous said...

"It's just that SB just happened, the pain is still fresh, especially for those who lost loved ones, and even I can't quite bring myself to make a joke out of it at this point. (BTW, my primary intent with this post was to make fun of fashion writers.)"

Gotcha. That's an important point. I just a political cartoon about the Planned Parenthood massacre and was appalled - at the sentiment, and the fact that someone would try to score a point over something that just happened. It was truly appalling. I'd prefer not to give you the website of where I saw it - it was on someone's instagram account, and I don't want this creature to get any more attention than she already gets. If I can find a neutral site, I'll get it for you. Only a sociopath would approve of such a cartoon.

Anonymous said...

PS I think of myself as having a great sense of humor, but there are certain situations that just aren't funny.

Anonymous said...

PPS What do you think of people who say, "everything is political." I think that is a dead giveaway that a person is a sociopath. Everything may have a political aspect, but when a person says "everything is political," I know I am dealing with a leftist who has an inner totalitarian screaming to come out, and that they would have done very well in a Communist dictatorship.

Lady Bug

John Craig said...

Lady Bug --
What I think is even worse than any cartoonist is the way the Obama administration tries to make hay out of every single act of violence in this country. When Dylan Roof killed nine black churchgoers, to the Obama administration it was all about our long legacy of racism, and proof of what a horribly racist country we still are. When a black guy killed nine white students in Roseburg, Oregon, not long after, it was purely about gun control, of course. When that black Navy yards shooter killed a bunch of people, of course race was not mentioned there either.

When the Planned Parenthood shooter killed three people, that was an act of "terrorism." But of course when Major Hassan shot up Fort Hood, that was just "ordinary workplace violence." Their hypocrisy, and their determination to never let any crisis go to waste, is transparent and infuriating.

Hmm, never really thought about it, but now that you mention it, "Everything's political" does always come from the mouths of Lefties. And yes, it does have totalitarian overtones, as in, "And so that gives me the right to pass judgment on everything you do." And that does seem to be a one way street. Not sure if there's any sociopathy involved there, but there is certainly a strong rigidity of thought which is usually attached to that statement.

Anonymous said...

"is transparent and infuriating."

It IS infuriating. I allowed this to get me so riled I was nearly dysfunctional. But I reached a point where I was able to laugh at it. I'm divorced from their craziness now. I think I am representative of a lot of Americans (such as your friend who said the David Duke thing) but that means that we have a complete social disconnect. So be it.

(At some point I will transcribe this cartoon to illustrate my point. No time now.)

"Not sure if there's any sociopathy involved there, but there is certainly a strong rigidity of thought which is usually attached to that statement."

In this case the person who said it has sociopathic traits. I truly wish I could divulge details here but I can't. You are probably right that in and of itself this phrase doesn't indicate sociopathy. I would say, however, to anyone - esp. a man - if a woman says that to you - WATCH OUT!! At best she is an obnoxious little SJW, at worst, a female sociopath. Female sociopaths can have a highly attractive veneer. They are no worse than male sociopaths, but they are often delightful to be around in a way that a man isn't.

Lady Bug

John Craig said...

Lady Bug --
I think you're representative of a lot of Americans too, but it's a sorry statement about our society that in order to tell the truth all of these people have to hide behind the anonymity of the internet, knowing that otherwise the thought police would come down on them with hobnail boots.

My experience is that sociopaths of both genders know how to put up attractive, charming fronts. In fact no one makes a better first impression than a sociopath, if they're on their game. It's only after getting to know them that you realize what they're really like.