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Tuesday, November 1, 2016

A better legislative body

My son recently showed me a video of Maria Katasonova, jokingly telling me she is his "future wife:"

She is evidently running for some office in the Russian sector of the Ukraine. It reminded me of how the Russian Duma is far sexier than its counterpart, the US Congress. They have three time Olympic super heavyweight wrestling champion Alexander Karelin:

We have Paul Ryan:

They have 7' 2" former heavyweight boxing champion Nikolai Valuev:

We have Mitch McConnell:

The Russians elect those most masculine of men, champions in the combat arts. The odds are that Fedor Emelianenko (below, at right), whom many consider the greatest mixed martial artist ever, will eventually find his way into the Duma as well:

At a certain level it seems silly. How does a career of physically subduing other men prepare one for the intricacies and intrigues of the Russian national legislature? Obviously, it doesn't. But at another, more primal level, it makes sense. These men are natural leaders, the kind who would have led their tribes back in the Stone Age, and as such, are the types whom the Russians instinctively feel would be best at defending against, or, perhaps conquering, other tribes.

Like, you know, the Ukrainians. Or the Americans.

Eastern Europeans in general have a more primal -- maybe primitive would be a better word -- view of the world. I wrote here, two years ago, about how they want an inspiring warrior fighting for them.

Who's to say that's dumber? Some of the politicians we have, like Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz, come across not just like duplicitous little sleazes, but wimps to boot. They're not exactly inspirational.

The Russians have a different attitude toward women politicians. They would never elect, say, a Ronda Rousey. They prefer femininity. Here, for instance, is Mariya Kozhevnikova, who represents the district of Tomsk in the Duma:

Days after winning her seat, Kozhevnikova, a member of Putin’s United Russia party -- no dummy she -- said, “I’ve seen Putin close up several times and I want to say that this man has very strong vibes.”

(I predict a bright future for her in politics.)

Here is former rhythmic gymnast Alina Kabaeva, a recent State Duma Deputy:

Here is Alena Arshinova, also a State Duma Deputy:

(Is it any wonder our Congressional approval ratings languish in the single digits?)

Here is Natalia Polonskaya, Minister of Justice for Crimea:

And here is Janet Napolitano, our recent Secretary for Homeland Security, who during her tenure stated that returning veterans from the Iraq and Afghanistan Wars were a top security threat to the US:

It's often said that Washington DC is Hollywood for ugly people. But there's no reason it has to be that way. It's not as if any of our politicians have any original thoughts anyway. It's economists, or staffers, or even pundits who come up with the fresh ideas. Politicians are merely actors who have the ideas they've been fed at the tips of their tongues and are good at coming across earnest.

In Russia, following the goings on in the Duma must be like watching a particularly steamy soap opera. In the US, following what's happening in DC can be as dry as reading the Congressional Record. On filibuster day.

In the US, the voters will reject you after a whiff of scandal. In Russia, they have no interest in electing you unless you're the type who'd attract scandal. (Alina Kabaeva is widely rumored to be Putin's paramour and the mother of his love child.)

So.....Megan Fox for Senator!

George Clooney for.......uh, never mind.

The Russians don't elect male actors anyway; they prefer warrior-types.

Such a philosophy would actually make it easier to fulfill our national ideal of multiculturalism, too, as black sports stars are not exactly rare. Think of what an appealing candidate OJ Simpson could have made. In the most crucial vote of all, after he had obviously murdered his wife, all those black jurors still voted to acquit him. Think what his electoral appeal might have been had he not cut Nicole's and Ron's throats.

Americans tend to prefer football, basketball, and baseball to the martial arts. Recent heavyweight boxing champions Shannon Briggs, Deontay Wilder, and Charles Martin are not household names over here. Yet certain basketball stars need only be identified by one name. Perhaps there's a place in Congress for Shaq, or Magic, or Kobe. Or Kareem, who's actually turned out to be fairly thoughtful.

Still, basketball stars do not project quite the same sort of primal ferocity that fighters do. So maybe it's time to turn to the growing world of MMA. Some of those guys look pretty good in suits:

Randy Couture for Senator!

Brock Lesnar for Governor!

And, here, in a nod to traditional boxing.......Mike Tyson for President!

When we have the wisdom to elect men like these (and women like those pictured above), then, and only then, will we have truly won the Cold War.


Pangur said...

I'll bet money that Ryan curls in the squat rack and does not deadlift.

John Craig said...

Pangur --
His legs look like a jogger's. He famously claimed to have completed a marathon in "under three hours, two fifty-something," when in fact he'd gone a 4:02.

Shaun F said...

John - This made me laugh aloud. I really enjoyed the way it was written and the carefully chosen "Grade A" photos to amplify the points.


The Ambivalent Misanthrope said...

I would like to object and suggest that George Clooney just might win over Mike Tyson in the primitive instinct vote --- at least speaking for the female constituency. It's a tough call, but my bets are still on Clooney.

John Craig said...

Shaun --
Thank you very much. I'll admit, my photo selection is as slanted as the MSM.

John Craig said...

Ambivalent Misanthrope --
I wouldn't argue with that, but the ".....uh, never mind" was a reference to Clooney's notoriously left wing politics. (I wouldn't want to see him in office.)

Anonymous said...

That's a doofy pic of Paul Ryan, but he shows impressive bicep development, and is slender. He's not a Russian slab of meat, but most Russian men aren't.

The thing about the Russian beauties you highlighted here is that they really are very pretty/beautiful. Compare that with a lot of Hollywood fake beauties and the comparison is embarrassing. We've already discussed Jennifer Aniston, but I'm referring to current pseudo-hotties as Blake Lively. I think she is a total nothingburger.


John Craig said...

Puzzled --
Ryan's biceps aren't all that great. He looks like a jogger. But yes, true, Alexander Karelin certainly isn't at typical Russian. In fact, in Russia he was referred to as "The Experiment." And Valuev is actually just an acromegalic, with all of the physiognomy associated with such.

I'm constantly amazed by the women who become movie stars over here. I actually sort of like Lively, have only seen her in movies once or twice, but she seemed to be a pretty good actress (in "The Town," at least) as well as pretty, though she does have that plastic surgery look, and I'm not wild about her implants. But Sandra Bullock? I wrote about her here:

If you want to see three beautiful (but obscure) actresses, take a look at this post:

(I'm guessing you'll agree with my choice of actresses to compare them to.)

Anonymous said...

I just read on a different website that Kid Rock is running for the U.S. Senate, the state of Michigan. Interesting development. Heck, if I lived in that state, I'd vote for him. What a hoot.

- Susan

John Craig said...

Susan --
He's a conservative, so I probably would too.

There's been more publicity recently about THE Rock possibly running for Prez in '20.

Anonymous said...

I find this whole thing hilarious. Since Trump ran, got elected, things have certainly changed. Who would have thought, Kid Rock running for office. He is not your traditional looking politician, that's for sure.

- Susan