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Thursday, January 31, 2013

Still searching for the right look

Some days I walk down the street and feel as if I am (in my own over-sheltered, neurotic, and timid way) the baddest hombre who ever lived. I walk past other guys and think, I could absolutely beat the crap out of you. I walk by women and think, if only you had any idea of how skillful I am in bed.

But even though I know this, they don't. And it bothers me. I want people to know that I'm the walking bundle of machismo that I am.

The problem is, it would be immodest for me to announce this.

(Not to mention that, realistically, I'd probably get beaten up by half the men and also arrested after the women complained about me.)

So, how do I broadcast my incredible manliness and yet maintain an acceptable veneer of modesty at the same time?

I need to dress the part.

But how? Frankly, I'm a little old to be wearing t-shirts with death's head motifs, or dressing up like a biker (as opposed to a faux cyclist, as some middle-aged men in my town do). And I haven't earned the right to wear any sort of military gear.

So what to wear?

A few posts ago I explored Yoko Ono's new fashion line in my never ending quest to bolster my masculine bona fides. In the end, though, I decided against that look. Which left me still searching.

So, like any aspiring he-man, I looked to the recent Paris and London fashion shows for guidance, and was richly rewarded:

I've been in the market for a camo jacket for some time now. With this one, I'd have to hide in a flower bed rather than a forest or field, but it would still give me that tough quasi-military look I desire.

Everyone knows wrestlers are the toughest guys around, and also that skiing is a dangerous sport. So why not combine the two pastimes with this fantastic Bernard Wilhelm statement? No one will mess with me then! Who wants to get put in a half-Nelson by a guy schussing at 60 per?

The trace of red in these shoes will make it seem as if I just finished kicking someone's teeth in during a bar brawl.

Go ahead and try to tie a noose around my head, punk! You'll see what happens when this Aztec warrior gets ahold of you. The hand wrappings add a nice pugilistic touch to this John Galliano creation.

There are times when I'll want a more formal look. And this perfectly fitted suit, worn with such panache above, definitely evokes James Bond. Finally, an outfit worthy of my Aston Martin.

This fur coat by Yves St. Laurent practically roars, "I just climbed the Himalayas, killed a spotted snow leopard with my bare hands, and skinned it myself."

And, well, if people don't believe that, at least I'll be keeping my pimp hand strong.

Let's face it, real men develop beer bellies after a while. So why not a men's corset for when I'm slugging down a case or two watching the football game? I think I'll wear this to the Super Bowl party this weekend just so they'll know what a regular guy I am.

This Thom Browne outfit is an updated Braveheart look: the paint on the face, the Scottish plaid, the sunglasses for spotting the enemy's arrows better, and the short pants for more freedom of movement while chasing those damned English down. You really can't get any more macho than William Wallace.

Maximus thumbs up for this Roman centurion look by J.W. Anderson, which brings back the days of the gladiators! This reminds me, I need to coordinate with my buddies more often, so we can be more intimidating. If the Crips or Bloods see us striding onto their turf like this, they'll know we mean business. Move over you wimpy poseurs, there's a new gang in town!

Paging John Wayne. This Jeremy Scott creation certainly evokes the rugged gunslingers of the Wild West. If I strolled into the OK Corral at high noon with my six shooters strapped to this outfit, no one would dare draw down on me! The briefs may seem a bit skimpy, but since I'm a, never mind.

Finally, the ultimate macho outfits I've been seeking! Of course, these wimps have their muscular definition painted on, which I hardly need. (I do prefer to go a little heavier on the eye makeup, though.) In the outfit on the left, I'd resemble a Viking warrior on the lookout for villages to plunder and maidens to rape. And on the right, a satyr, which is basically what I am.

My search is finally over.


lowly said...

'Bad hombres' don't think like you think they do. They're not worried about the majority of other men, and the men they have a beef with they think: "I'm gonna kill you, bitch." They don't think in terms of 'skillful performance', they're thinking: "Bend over, bitch".

On the other hand, a 'bad hombre' might think that those outfits, pictured above, would go with the victim disarmament ideas you advanced yesterday. If he were wont to spend any time giving thought to what you might think.

Ok, so you think those outfits are ridiculous. But why? After all, once you get past the basic functional aspects of clothing, it's all fashion anyway. What is it that makes this clothing so friggin' dorky? I mean, we all know they're dorky, but why are they dorky? Isn't that more interesting?

John Craig said...

Lowly --
You're absolutely right about how genuine bad hombres think. And I'm sort of the opposite, which is why I qualified that statement the way I did ("over-sheltered, neurotic," etc.)

I think the answer to the question you pose is that what makes clothing ridiculous is the extent to which they seem to be trying to make a statement. The one thing all those outfits have in common is that they (or rather, their designers) are trying way, way too hard. I agree, what's "normal" is somewhat arbitrary and a matter of social norms. There's nothing more intrinsically weird about a floral pattern than a plaid one. But as long as plaids -- or solids -- are the norm, being different purely for the sake of being different is a waste of time, especially as you get further away from functionality -- as exemplified by the "Viking" and "satyr" outfits.

Quartermain said...

The male models don't look too happy.

They look like they are thinking "Groan, it's a living."

John Craig said...

Allan --
Good point. It occurred to me as I was looking at the pictures that these outfits are the designers' revenge on the models for being better-loooking than they are.

Anonymous said...

John, I still think you should have a fashion blog! Just when I think I can't laugh any harder i get to the next photo along with your funny! Thanks for a huge laugh this morning! Donna

John Craig said...

Thank you Donna. I can only do so much fashion, and honestly, I wouldn't know what to say about stuff that's not outrageous.

Anonymous said...


There is something very...very...wrong with me. How can any man with a PSA level over 2.0 wear something like that ? The chickafication of the male is full gear.

Mad Dog