I responded, "You constantly hear women say that they're 'creeped out' by unwanted attention from guys, or that certain guys are 'creepy,' yet no one criticizes the women for saying this. The only ones worthy of criticism in these cases seem to be the 'creepy' guys. Why can't guys react the same way to such unwanted attentions [from other guys]?"
This friend later suggested that I wrote the post because it made me feel more masculine; I thought I was being self-deprecating about my own insecurities. Oh well.
In any case, the issue of disgust merits discussion: who exactly is creepy, what makes them that way, and who has the right to label someone that way?
Creepiness, like beauty, seems to be in the eye of the beholder. The deciding factors seem to be age, gender, and distance from the sexual norm.
If an eight-year-old has a crush on another eight-year-old, we consider it cute. But if a forty-year-old has a crush on an eight-year-old, it's creepy. There is near universal agreement on this, especially since he'd be breaking the law by acting on that "crush."
But what if such a person doesn't intend to molest, but only to observe, and store away potential masturbatory fantasies for later? Are we still right to be disgusted by him? After all, he can't help who he is, anymore than a regular homosexual can.
(I actually have more sympathy for child molesters than most. Imagine for a moment that you are attracted to eight-year-old boys, and you can't help this any more than you can help being attracted to whomever you're attracted to now. You find the idea of a smooth, hairless, innocent little child infinitely more appealing than some big, hairy, wrinkly, cynical grownup. You know that taking advantage of children is wrong; yet they are the only ones you're attracted to. Would you be able to go through your entire life without indulging yourself even once?)
Middle-aged women freely -- and frequently -- express their disapproval of older men who date, or marry, much younger women. We've all heard such clucking. Yet when it comes to "cougars," you never hear middle-aged women express disapproval. Their attitude about that phenomenon is more, "You go girl!"
I've heard several women express their disapproval of Hugh Hefner for his much younger girlfriends, and now, wife. By contrast, there has been a deafening silence about Madonna and Demi Moore, both of whom favor men far younger than themselves.
The age factor aside, a woman who comes on to a man is never called a "creep" or "pervert." Yet men who come on to women get called that all the time. Why one but not the other?
(It is equally true, as many women have pointed out, that it is unfair to praise men with a long list of partners as "studs," yet label their female counterparts as "sluts." But if that logic holds, then we should also get rid of the double standard described in the paragraph above.)
Homosexuals used to be called "queer." This is because most people perceive them that way; if you're not used to them, they can seem weirdly perverse. This term has fallen by the wayside -- except for a few gay activists who embrace it -- but I've heard too many people describe being creeped out by an approach from a homosexual not to think that that is a natural instinctive reaction.
Should we guard against such instincts? I'm for gay marriage, because I'm for equal rights. And I'm certainly against violence against or bullying of homosexuals. But does this mean I have to pretend to deny my own natural reaction? Wouldn't that be dishonesty? Or is it just good manners?
(Come to think of it, good manners usually boil down to tactful dishonesty.)
Another issue is the difference between simply seeing a homosexual on the street and having one actually make a pass at you. Does the latter give you the right to be creeped out, whereas the former does not?
Generally, the further you get away from what's considered the norm, the more people are disgusted. Otherwise, why would people be creeped out by a woman with facial hair but not by a man? They react that way because that's just not the way it's supposed to be -- and it's a very rare condition. A lot of people find circus freaks scary. Is this reaction evil, or even politically incorrect? It seems hard to condemn anybody merely for being fearful.
How about perversions among heterosexuals? Mocking men who see dominatrixes seems to be a staple in the movies. Why is it okay to mock them but not homosexuals? Who gets to label something as a (shameful) perversion?
These are all dichotomies worth pondering -- especially those which give off a not so faint whiff of hypocrisy.
My takeaway is, everybody has the right to be disgusted by whatever they're disgusted by -- as long as it doesn't infringe on anyone's legal rights. But as long as whoever is disgusting them is minding their own business, good manners dictate that that disgust not be expressed.
At least within earshot.
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8 comments:
Some things just automatically trigger the creep reflex; it's built in. Might as well be honest and admit it exists. Trying to override it because it's not PC is not being true to oneself. I've concluded it's always best to go with your own gut instincts even when they're not explainable on some cerebral level. That said, the word 'creep' is way overused; it's been a faddish word for some years now. If you ask me those who use the word constantly are creeps themselves.
Pete --
Agree completely (having just used the words several times in the post myself). The most common users of the term these days are women who don't like either (a) masculine or (b) aggressive men, i.e., women who essentially dislike men.
And you're right, that reflex is a not so accidental and useful by product of evolution, not entirely dissimilar to our instinctive revulsion at snakes and spiders.
Paragraphs 7 and 8 creep me out. You need to read 'The Science of Sex Abuse' in the 1/14 New Yorker
Anon --
Well, it's certainly your right to be creeped out, just as it's anybody's right to be creeped out by whatever disturbs them.
BTW, I wasn't justifying child molesting, just trying to get people to think, in case you didn't get that point.
I was ponder this from the point of view of Jodie. As we know she plays for the other team, so knowing this, does one drop into the creepy category by making an effort to persuade her to switch teams? Does one get points for trying or does trying grant you creep status?
Dave --
Good question. It's all in the eye of the beholder. And each beholder is entitled to his or her own visceral reaction, which was the point I was trying to make in the post.
This is where I draw the distinction:
Women are physically smaller and less aggressive than men on average and are always wary of being victimized by men. Thus, this psychology carries through into our culture allowing the social acceptability of women calling men creeps often and not vice versa.
Similarily, men are on average more emotionally introverted than women and rely on their productivity and endurance in society to achieve status and security. This psychology carries through to our culture when men fall in love with women; they find someone who they can show their weaknesses to, someone who they can let down their guard and be emotional with.
Thus, a man feels a unqiue sense of betrayal when he sees women laying with a new man every weekend because he internalizes that imagery of the promiscious woman and feels instant distrust and calls her a "slut". Women are more open with their emotions and will pour their heart out to anyone who will listen, which is why they do not share a similar culture of calling men sluts.
Each gender is different, our cultural responses to creepyness and sluttiness are segregated, they can never be equivalent to each other.
BTW, I just found your blog yesterday and I can't stop reading your posts. Great job John!
Anon --
Thank you, especially for reading so many posts.
Your statement is true as far as it goes, but doesn't address the evolutionary aspect of gender differences in cheating: a male whose mate cheats is going to lose more in terms of being able to pass on his genes to the next generation than a woman whose mate cheats. I think that explains the double standard ("sluts" vs. "studs") you're referring to than does the cultural explanation alone.
Also, this post was primarily about double standards in being creeped out by unwanted advances, including by men towards other men -- and homosexual men can be just as large and aggressive as heterosexual men (to address your first point).
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