An alpha male has an ego like an impregnable fortress, impervious to insult or even fact. My ego is more like a house of straw, easily flattened by even the slightest breeze.
If an alpha is insulted, he thinks to himself, that guy is really jealous and resentful -- which makes sense, 'cause he's him and I'm me. I take the insult, weigh it, and hold it up to the light to see if there's any truth to it. If there is, I get depressed.
If an alpha gets turned down by a girl, he thinks, stupid bitch doesn't even realize what she's missing out on: once they've had a taste of The Kid they get addicted. When I was young, I used to wonder: what was I thinking -- I'm obviously not good enough for her.
If an alpha's girlfriend breaks off with him, he thinks, that stupid bitch will be back on her hands and knees in no time. I just figured, hmm, she's finally seen the light.
An alpha of average physical attractiveness looks in the mirror and somehow sees Dolph Lundgren. I look in the mirror and see a skinny monkey.
An alpha driving a Corolla thinks, I don't need a fancy car to bolster my ego; people who do are pathetic. When I drove a Corolla, I used to think, people will think I'm such a loser. When an alpha drives a Lexus, he thinks, I have arrived! I worry that people will think I'm superficial.
When an alpha makes a stupid error, he generally won't admit it, either to himself or to anybody who may have witnessed it. If I do something stupid, I feel stupid, right down to my bones.
When an alpha does poorly on an athletic contest, he just tells himself he had an off day. When I do, I see it as final confirmation of my wimpiness.
When an alpha loses at chess, he thinks, what a stupid, pointless game. When I do, I can feel my face slightly redden as I wonder why I am unable to think four moves ahead the way my opponent seemed to.
If an alpha does poorly on an IQ test, he concludes, these tests don't measure shit. I think, hmm, guess I'm not as smart as I thought I was.
If an alpha gets lost, he gets angry and thinks, this podunk town must have had the worst goddamn city planners in history. I just feel helpless and lost.
If an alpha is talking to a tall guy, he thinks to himself, I can't wait to cut this motherf***er down to size. I just feel short.
After an alpha insults someone, he thinks, about time someone told that asshole what's what. I wonder how those words could ever have escaped my mouth, and conclude that I'm not a very nice person.
This beta male series started off as pretty much pure self-laceration; but it seems to be gradually taking on a slightly more self-congratulatory hue.
Which I guess means I must have some alpha in me after all.
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