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Thursday, July 21, 2011

Federal Man

The previous post raised questions about the new codes at some colleges mandating that women who've had a couple of drinks are incapable of consenting to a sexual encounter. These codes will undoubtedly spark heated debate.

But in the meantime, a college student who wants to stay on the right side of the new federal guidelines should behave like this:

Joe College (looking up from his book in his dorm room): Oh hi Sally, how are you?

Sally Coed: (giving him a meaningful look): I'm good. (She walks up to him and starts to massage his shoulders.) "So Joe....You wanna take a break from studying?"

Joe: Is that alcohol I smell on your breath?

Sally: Yeah, I was just at that wine and cheese reception they were having for the new dean.

Joe: Then I'm afraid I'll have to abstain from the kind of "break" I think you're suggesting.

Sally: (giggling) You've never refrained before!

Joe: Yes, but Sally, you're obviously no longer capable of making a sober decision, and I don't want to sexually assault you.

Sally: What? I had one little glass of wine!

Joe: Which has rendered you incapable of giving consent.

Sally: OK, I get it, that new rule, haha, very funny. Now come on, I'm really in the mood.

Joe: I'm serious -- you can't consent now. 

Sally: (still playful) Consent? I'm propositioning you, you little f**kwad!

Joe: And I must in good conscience say no.

Sally: You are kidding, right?

Joe: No.

Sally: Joe, c'mon, I really want to. Pleeeease? That little thing  you do with your tongue....I love it so much!

Joe: I have no idea what you're babbling about.

Sally: You know exactly what I'm talking about -- you know it drives me crazy.....Come on Joe, don't be so difficult.

Joe College: Hmmph! That alcohol you consumed has obviously robbed you of any sense of judgment.

Sally: For the last time -- please, I'm begging you.

Joe: Sally, I'm afraid if you don't stop harassing me I'm going to have to report you to the Dean of Students.

Sally: (pulling up her shirt) Are you going to report these to the Dean as well? You know you love them!

Joe: Sally, I'm afraid the answer is no.

Sally: Guess I'm just going to have to find a new boyfriend.

Undoubtedly, due to the new federal regulations, scenes like this will play themselves out on college campuses across the nation.

Justice at last!


Doug said...

Too funny! This is the way it is in the U.S. Navy already! I think these things are tried out on us first...

John Craig said...

Thanks Doug. But didn't I read that something like 20% of all the women who go out to sea on one of those cruisers end up pregnant? That doesn't make it sound as if they're enforcing those rules too strictly.