The previous post raised questions about the new codes at some colleges mandating that women who've had a couple of drinks are incapable of consenting to a sexual encounter. These codes will undoubtedly spark heated debate.
But in the meantime, a college student who wants to stay on the right side of the new federal guidelines should behave like this:
Joe College (looking up from his book in his dorm room): Oh hi Sally, how are you?
Sally Coed: (giving him a meaningful look): I'm good. (She walks up to him and starts to massage his shoulders.) "So Joe....You wanna take a break from studying?"
Joe: Is that alcohol I smell on your breath?
Sally: Yeah, I was just at that wine and cheese reception they were having for the new dean.
Joe: Then I'm afraid I'll have to abstain from the kind of "break" I think you're suggesting.
Sally: (giggling) You've never refrained before!
Joe: Yes, but Sally, you're obviously no longer capable of making a sober decision, and I don't want to sexually assault you.
Sally: What? I had one little glass of wine!
Joe: Which has rendered you incapable of giving consent.
Sally: OK, I get it, that new rule, haha, very funny. Now come on, I'm really in the mood.
Joe: I'm serious -- you can't consent now.
Sally: (still playful) Consent? I'm propositioning you, you little f**kwad!
Joe: And I must in good conscience say no.
Sally: You are kidding, right?
Sally: Joe, c'mon, I really want to. Pleeeease? That little thing you do with your tongue....I love it so much!
Joe: I have no idea what you're babbling about.
Sally: You know exactly what I'm talking about -- you know it drives me crazy.....Come on Joe, don't be so difficult.
Joe College: Hmmph! That alcohol you consumed has obviously robbed you of any sense of judgment.
Sally: For the last time -- please, I'm begging you.
Joe: Sally, I'm afraid if you don't stop harassing me I'm going to have to report you to the Dean of Students.
Sally: (pulling up her shirt) Are you going to report these to the Dean as well? You know you love them!
Joe: Sally, I'm afraid the answer is no.
Sally: Guess I'm just going to have to find a new boyfriend.
Undoubtedly, due to the new federal regulations, scenes like this will play themselves out on college campuses across the nation.
Justice at last!