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Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Press releases

I was just scrolling through today's news and came across five separate press statements, all of which just exuded phoniness, and none of which could possibly have been written by the people who released them.

From Lindsay Vonn, on the occasion of her breakup with Tiger Woods:

"After nearly three years together, Tiger and I have mutually decided to end our relationship. I will always cherish the memories that we’ve created together. Unfortunately, we both lead incredibly hectic lives that force us to spend a majority of time apart. I will always admire and respect Tiger. He and his beautiful family will always hold a special place in my heart.’’

From Tiger Woods:

“Lindsey and I have mutually decided to stop dating. I have great admiration and respect for Lindsey and I’ll always cherish our time together. She has been amazing with Sam and Charlie and my entire family. Unfortunately, we lead very hectic lives and are both competing in demanding sports. It’s difficult to spend time together.’’

(What a coincidence that they both used the phrases "always cherish" and "hectic lives" in their press releases. A cynic might suspect they used the same lazy publicist. But I'm left wondering: if their feelings toward each other are so wonderfully positive -- why not stay together?)

From Brittney Griner, regarding her recent arrest for domestic violence: 

"It is never OK for an argument to turn physical. This will never happen again, and I take my relationship and my responsibility as a role model seriously. I am committed to making positive changes and I plan to use what I have learned to set a good example and help make a difference in the world around me."

("And what I have learned is, next time I'm giving that bitch a beatdown, no one's calling 911.")

From Kory Blackwell, the former New York Giants cornerback, on his cousin Demetrius Blackwell, who just murdered NYPD officer Brian Moore:

“I was devastated to learn of my cousin’s alleged involvement in the shooting of police officer Brian Moore, and there are no words strong enough to convey my sorrow over what has cast a devastating shadow over many lives. The Blackwell family does not and never has condoned violence in any form. For years, our family tried to help Demetrius lead a more productive and law-abiding life. My heart goes out to the family for their tragic loss.”

(Translation: we bear no responsibility for what that loser cousin of mine did.)

From the Four Seasons resort in Puerto Vallarta, on the occasion of Sheryl Sandberg husband David Goldberg's death:

“We are deeply saddened by the news of the death of David Goldberg. Four Seasons would like to clarify that, contrary to some media reports, the tragedy did not take place at Four Seasons Resort Punta Mita. Mr. Goldberg was not a registered guest at our resort, villas or residences. As the tragedy did not take place on our property, nor was Mr. Goldberg a guest, we are not in a position to comment further. Again, our condolences to Mr. Goldberg’s family and friends. Our thoughts are with them at this difficult time.”

(When they said "thoughts," they forgot to add "and prayers," the standard boilerplate. They also forgot to add, "So you can forget about that lawsuit you were preparing.")

Barack Obama, on David Goldberg's death:

“David Goldberg embodied the definition of a real leader – someone who was always looking for ways to empower others. He was generous and kind with everybody, and cared less about the limelight than making sure that the people he worked with and loved succeeded in whatever they did. His skills as an entrepreneur created opportunity for many; his love for his family was a joy to behold, and his example as a husband and father was something we could all learn from. We’re heartbroken by him leaving us far too soon – but we celebrate a remarkable legacy.”

(Translation: "I really appreciate the very generous donations that Sheryl Sandberg and David Goldberg made to my reelection campaign.")

One has to wonder what the point of all these statements is, since they fool no one.

Whenever anyone always says exactly what he's supposed to, you pretty much know you can't trust him. And when it's a famous person releasing a statement, you also know they aren't even his words.

On the other hand, if you're lucky enough to come across someone who always says what he's not supposed to -- like yours truly -- you can be sure you've come across an honest man. 


Anonymous said...

Good Morning John--I had actually read the various articles you mention and was thinking the very same thing-but just didn't say it consciously. I'm sure, for example, that Obama has some team that automatically issues these typical lines-as if he gives a shit. As for Lindsey, I'm sure truth be told he'd say he had enough of one hot cracker and now needs more strange as she's probably talking too much about the future. God forbid that people actually say what's true for them. It's nice that you point these things out so we don't all feel like we're nuts. Brian

John Craig said...

Brian --
You're absolutely right about Obama (or any President, for that matter), they all have teams of writers laboring over exactly what the appropriate thing to say in each circumstance is.

As far as Tiger, I actually saw another article saying that he couldn't sleep for three days because of the breakup, which makes it sound as if Bonn is the one who broke up with him. (And yes, I'm ashamed of myself for having read that article.)

Anonymous said...

While drinking my morning coffee, I got a good laugh from this post. Thanks!

- Susan

John Craig said...

Thank you Susan.

Runner Katy said...

Thanks for a good bit of laughter! I had also read each of these separately and sadly was most trying to figure out what really went down with Woods and Vonn. (although the Goldberg death was quite sad. Wish we could swap someone evil to leave this way, instead of him). Thanks for keeping it real!

John Craig said...

Runner Katy --
Thank you.

Just arrived in your neck of the woods, it was predicted to be in the 90's but so far it hasn't been that bad.

Jokah Macpherson said...

That is why my funeral will be a roast. When people can't stick to the standard script of empty generic compliments they will have to come up with something unique (even if it makes fun of me).

John Craig said...

Jokah --
Good idea but it'll be a little hard for you to enforce.

Steven said...

The word I never buy is 'deeply'. When people are deeply sorry or they deeply regret something or care deeply about something or they've been touched deeply.

A lot of the time it just sounds too much and is said too easily.

John Craig said...

Steven --
Good observation.

Sociopaths tend to overuse adjectives and adverbs supposedly showing how sincere they are, which I wrote about here:

Steven said...

I've read that before. The bit that stuck in my mind was what you said about 'myriad'.' 'These myriad walls'. (I just looked it up- it means 10,000 in ancient Greek. I never knew that).

You ever thought about organizing your posts into topics and having some kind of contents page? There's a lot of great stuff on here people might miss that they could delve into if it was presented to them properly.

-'the ...est person I've ever met'

-sociopaths alerts.

-nice guy, normal guy, sociopath


-confessions of a beta male.

-filial piety



I know this blog so well.

John Craig said...

Steven --
Thank you. It's occurred to me but I'm basically too lazy, and, believe it or not, too busy.

Yes, that would be a logical way to organize it. As it is, people can just type those rings into the subject bar and the posts will come up. I'll settle for that for now.