Search Box

Friday, February 3, 2012

Apologies to Abigail Van Buren, Part II

Dear Abby,

I'm a middle-aged man with a really big job. I can't tell you what it is, but trust me, it's big. The problem is, it's just not that much fun, and I really don't know if I want to re-up for another hitch.

The thing is, it comes with some incredible perks I'd just hate to give up. I get to fly around on this really cool jet. I get all these bodyguards, which makes me feel kind of badass. Whenever I enter a room, they play this one particular song that makes everybody stand up and cheer for me. It's really cool.

I even get to hang out with and play basketball with NBA stars. Believe it or not, I can score on them. My game actually seems to have improved since I took this job.

And every time I give a speech to my supporters, I get a standing O. I swear, those are more addictive than crack. Trust me on that one.

Even my wife, who's a real shrew, likes me having this job. She'd never admit it though. She claims she hates being in the limelight and having all this extra shit she's expected to do. But my opinion, she's like one of those movie stars who say they hate being bothered by fans, but then when they go places and aren't recognized, they can't stand it.

Another thing, they shut down entire golf courses for me so I can play! Only problem with that is I only get to play once or twice a week. The rest of the time I'm supposed to be "working."

Anyway, my job itself is really dull. I have to meet with all these boring old white guys from other countries when I'd rather be hanging with my NBA buddies. And I've got to pretend like I'm interested in whatever dull crap they're talking about. Usually I just rely on my Teleprompter, but sometimes I actually have to pay attention. It sucks -- it's like being in school again.

Speaking of school, you know how most employers require a college transcript before they hire you? I had my record sealed, yet I still got the job. Pretty slick, huh?

Anyway, back to the job. I have to meet with my advisers all the time. You've never seen such a bunch of drips. The worst of the bunch may be the guy who's sort of like my chief assistant, who's supposed to take over in case anything happens to me. This guy just says whatever comes into his mind, and half the time it's not even true. I call him my insurance policy, and I'm not completely joking. But even if he's keeping me alive, when he's in the room I can't get out of there fast enough.

But the worst part of my job is how everybody blames me for the lousy economy. Like it's my fault they don't have jobs. I did what I could -- I handed out enough welfare and food stamps so that people don't need jobs. I sorta thought that was the whole point.

Then there's all these idiots bellyaching about our debt. I mean, who cares? Some of these loans we sell, that shit isn't coming due for decades.

Anyway, in the meantime we've been holding some great parties at my official residence. There was one where we were all doing the electric slide, you should have seen it, it was great!

Maybe the best part of the job itself is that I get to play War with real soldiers! Can you imagine?! There was this one real bad guy, and I gave the order to have him killed in this faraway land. So they did it, and then it was like I was the hero of the whole thing! It was so cool!

So I don't know what to do. A lot of people are telling me I could make tons of dough when I leave my job. I wouldn't even have to do all that boring shit. And I'd still get to keep my bodyguards.

Some people are actually saying I may not even be able to hang on to my job even if I want to. There's this rich handsome white guy who seems to want it real bad. The guy looks like a real dick to me though -- just the kind of guy I've hated all my life. I almost want to hang onto the job just to keep it from him.

So what should I do?

Dear Indecisive,
It's time you gave the job to someone who's harder-working. I don't know how you ever landed a job with such lavish perks in the first place, but it does sound to me as if you're one very lucky man. At the very least, you should develop a better work ethic and get serious about your career.

By the way, what kind of employer still hires you without asking for your college transcript? I've never heard of that before.

My advice is, stop acting like a self-indulgent moron and grow up.


Baloo said...

This is even better, if possible. I've linked it here:

John Craig said...

Baloo --
Thank you again. Sorry about the delay in responding, don't know why but for some reason your comments go to my spam box.

I liked your post on what neocons an liberals have in common by the way.

Baloo said...

And thank you. Neocons and liberals are like alligators and crocodiles. There may be some technical differences, but either one will bite your leg off.

John Craig said...


You see it very clearly; unfortunately, most don't. And the proof of what you say is that the liberals never really protested the Iraq and Afghanistan Wars the way they did the Viet Nam War. And I'm afraid the same will hold true of the most-likely-upcoming war with Iran.

Anonymous said...

Somehow, I came upon this post. I chuckled as I read it. It is so descriptive of Obama (and wife, Michelle).


John Craig said...

Birdie --
I appreciate you reading this far back. (I wish more people did.)

Anonymous said...

I ENJOY reading. If I were to live my life over again (which I'd rather not), I would have been a librarian. Anyway, live and learn.