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Thursday, February 2, 2012

With apologies to Abigail van Buren

Dear Abby,
I'm in bit of a quandary. I ran for office in 2008, but failed to get my party's nomination for the particular position I desired. And when I say "desired," I mean I lusted after it with a passion you can't even begin to imagine. My husband had held this position before, and back then I was regarded as just an appendage. But trust me, with an undergraduate degree from a prestigious women's college and a law degree from a prominent Ivy League university, I'm not some little Loretta Lynn stand-by-your-man type.

To be honest, I'm actually more the Evita type.

So I figured it was my turn, and early on I was favored to win, but this brash young black man came out of nowhere to take the nomination away from me. This guy had less contact with black people during his childhood than I did growing up in a lily white Chicago suburb, but he played the race card like a violin. And even though blacks are only 12% of the population, they're a quarter of the electorate in my political party, so I lost the nomination. You know those darkies, they'll always vote for their own. Oops, did I actually just say that? (It does drive me crazy to think of how ungrateful they are, after all my husband and I had done for them!)

Anyway, it's been three years since this young man got elected, and the bloom is off the rose. People are finally seeing this phony for who he is -- a con man who knows nothing about economics, or foreign relations, or anything other than repeating his tired old mantra about how rich people have to pay more. And now all he does all day is watch ESPN and play golf. People are sick of him. I know I'm sick of him. As a matter of fact I often wake up in the middle of the night and all I can think about is how much I hate him. The fact is, I would have done a much, much better job than him.

So my question is, should I challenge him for our party's nomination this spring? Some consider it bad form to challenge the incumbent of your own party. But I actually think I'd have a better shot at defeating the other party's candidate for this particular position than the current officeholder would. The only problem is, I've actually been working for him these past three years. He appointed me to a fairly prominent position in what everybody said was a keep-your-friends-close-but-your-enemies-closer kind of way, but I'm still concerned that it might make me appear disloyal.

What do you think?
Puzzled in DC

Dear Puzzled in DC,
I think you should run. This guy sounds like a real loser, and if he's as you describe, people must be sick of him. And even though you worked for him, if he's as bad as you say, the electorate will realize that your close up view of the guy means that you know better than anyone else how incompetent he is.

But I also think you sound a little obsessive; you liken yourself to Evita, but you strike me as more the Lady MacBeth type. So whether or not you get the nomination, I think you should consider seeing a psychiatrist. A good shrink might do you a world of good, especially if you're waking up in the middle of the night obsessing about this current officeholder.

By the way, are you sure you're not sexually infatuated with him and that this is not just repressed lust you feel?


Anonymous said...

John, you need to get this one out into the Twitterverse. Your following will rocket.

John Craig said...

Thank you Guy. I keep meaning to get this blog onto Facebook (does it need its own page?) and Twitter, but have not yet bothered to figure out how.

Baloo said...

I love this. I've linked it HERE at EX-ARMY.

John Craig said...

Baloo --
Thank you very much.

latitude38 said...

john, having visited your blog for the first time and reading both your "with apologies to abigail van buren" as well as your profile , of which i would agree with, you are without a doubt tactless , highly opinionated , and if i could add................absolutely brilliant !

John Craig said...

Latitude --
Just took a look at your profile. You seem to be a voice of political sanity from the Bay Area -- you must be lonely out there.

Anonymous said...

Dear Puzzled in DC:
One has to be realistic in self-assessement before embarking on such an undertaking. You are merely the photo negative of the one you are envious of. You would be an obscure big company lawyer instead of where you are, entirely due to latching onto the right man who was going places, hardly a story of feminist triumph. You say the guy who beat you out is a phony; however, that's always been the popular perception about you also, not without reason I might add.
He's demonstrated no competence in his job the last three years; that's true. But you in your important position have not shown any great ability either, what with these Arab springs coming unraveled and Libyan adventures gone awry.
Let us be candid. You lost because people were sick to the gills of your brand and what was being offered. That they got burned is true; they just voted in a vain hope that the next pretty face might be the one they've been looking for. Fooled again.

John Craig said...

Dear Abby --
Wow! How could you tell who I am?!

(And Dear Anon --
You nailed her perfectly.)

Anonymous said...

Enjoyed this post as well. Hillary is a hoot!


John Craig said...

Thank you Birdie.