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Saturday, January 14, 2012

Unanswered questions, Part III

A friend just wrote to say that the previous two posts were "funny, but in a cruel intellectual equivalent of torturing small animals way."

Fair enough. And no, it's not very sporting to mock dumb criminals. But it is fun. Anyway, Snark is my middle name, so here goes:

This booking photo from the Broward County Sheriff's Office shows traffic court magistrate Rhonda Hollander. Hollander was arrested after allegedly taking photos of men in the bathroom of the West Regional Courthouse in Broward County.

Did Rhonda not pay attention in her Gender Studies class in college? Isn't this the kind of thing men do to women, and not the other way around?

Police in Pennsylvania are investigating three separate incidents of indecent exposure involving a 35-year-old man named Handy Henry Wood, who allegedly exposed himself to two women.

With a name like that, did this poor guy ever stand a chance of not growing up to be a pervert?

Eugene Hickman's family called Walton County (Fl.) police after his grandson allegedly saw him trying to have sex with a pet bulldog.

Aren't bulldogs the ugliest things imaginable? Were there no aesthetically appealing dogs available? How old is the grandson, and is he now scarred for life? How exactly did that family discussion go down? Will ol' Grandpop be welcome at family gatherings from now on? Did the expression "screwed the pooch" originally derive from a similar situation?

Janet Chiauzzi was arrested after sending threatening letters to her son's little league coach.

How scary is that face? Chiauzzi manages to look high strung, malevolent, and intelligent all at the same time. Is there anyone in the world who finds that a relaxing combination to be around?  

Levon T. Sarkisyan, allegedly broke into a Connecticut home and smashed statues and furniture, because he claimed God told him to do it, according to police.

Did God also tell Levon to do his best Pee Wee Herman imitation while having his mug shot taken?

Bernadette Besario Catan-Keeler, 30, was arrested and charged with domestic violence battery after she attacked her husband and bit him on the night of their wedding, according to Broward County Police.

What are the odds of this marriage lasting even six months? And what did her husband do to make her so angry? Does Bernadette look like the kind of inexperienced, blushing bride who has no idea what's in store on her wedding night? 

Drunken driving suspect James Scarborough allegedly told police in Florida that he wasn't responsible for crashing his motorcycle -- but the boogeyman was. The 49-year-old reportedly declined to explain exactly who the boogeyman was. He has been charged with driving under the influence, driving without a license and obstructing police, among other charges.

Given that Scarborough has the kind of chin and neck which advertise testosterone to spare, why didn't he pursue sports instead of drunk driving? (His coach probably wouldn't have put him in against the boogeyman.) Think he might still have been under the influence when he struck that devil-may-care pose for his mugshot? Doesn't Scarborough look like Pat Tillman's no-good older brother? 

Mark Thompson, a 19-year-old from West Virginia, is accused of killing his neighbor's pygmy goat in his bedroom and possibly sexually assaulting the barnyard animal. Police say they found Thompson hiding in the woods, covered in blood, wearing a bra and panties.

Wasn't just slaughtering and having sex with an animal OR cross-dressing enough of a thrill for Mark? He had to do both at the same time? We all get jaded eventually, but Mr. Thompson is only 19! What combination of wild perversions will he need to get himself excited by the time he's 35?

This suspect likely won't forget his 64th birthday -- and neither will the elementary school students who saw a man naked from the waist down shaking his hips and genitals. Jack Snyder is accused of flashing a school bus in Port Richey, Fla., as students headed home from classes.

Could Central Casting have picked a more likely looking flasher? From his loony grin to his unkempt hair to his age to his red drinker's nose, doesn't Mr. Snyder look exactly like what he is? And yet, somehow, doesn't he look sort of harmless at the same time? 

Johnathan Washburn, 23, allegedly hit a man on the head with a skateboard after he took a picture of his bizarre triple-mohawk hairstyle - landing him in police custody.

Why would anyone affect a hairstyle like this if he didn't want people to pay attention to him? Isn't it gratifying when someone like Johnathan -- love that spelling -- fulfills a negative stereotype (this time, about skateboarders) so perfectly? 


Brian Fradet said...

John--Truth be stranger than fiction. That's some serious eye cancer. I really don't know where you find this stuff, and it's certainly not on the regular daily news. Brian

John Craig said...

Brian --
It's all from that website I linked earlier from the Huffpost.