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Sunday, December 18, 2011

Presidential campaign

Six weeks ago I announced that I was running for President, and outlined my platform. I listed additional planks here and here.

I must now admit that I am the first candidate in history to announce his candidacy and then just sort of forget about it.

(Ross Perot came close in '92, but, unlike me, he never entirely forgot.)

It's not senility that caused me to forget. It's simply that I've had more important topics to discuss -- like who the prettiest actresses are.

In any case, I am proud to announce that my candidacy has thus far has been untarnished by scandal.

Well, not that proud. It's mainly because my life is so incredibly boring. (If anybody wants to help me get into trouble, I'm open to suggestions.)

I am proud to announce that unlike Michelle Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Herman Cain, my support hasn't gone down one whit from my peak. I have as many people planning to vote for me as I did a month ago.

But, alas, my support has not been growing. So the next step will probably be to decide whom to throw my support to.

I'd be tempted to say Ron Paul because he seems the purest of the bunch; he certainly has the right attitude about downsizing government. But I saw him on Leno Friday night and he was a complete turkey. He kept making lame comments and then smiling goofily as if he thought he was being witty. Leno's audience had been salted with Paul supporters, so they roared with approval no matter what he said. But it was painful to watch.

At one point Leno asked him what he thought about gay marriage, and Paul answered, "Well, I think the government should stop arguing about it." An evasion worthy of Hillary Clinton.

It's hard to get behind Gingrich given his character issues. If Herman Cain seemed to be using his campaign as a way to get laid more, Newt seems to be using his as a way to make more money. Gingrich reportedly tried to turn a recent top level meeting of Republicans in New York City into a book signing.

I've heard any number of people say that it's very important to Newt that he always be the smartest guy in the room; if any of those people liked him, they'd simply have complimented his intelligence. And when the people who dislike you most are the ones who know you best, that's never an encouraging sign. 

Jon Hunstman is a little like the class valedictorian -- oops, make that salutorian (sorry, Newt) -- whom nobody notices. He may be the most decent, most diplomatic, most experienced, and most well-versed in foreign affairs. But nobody seems to care; there's just nothing dramatic about him. If he were 6' 3", more masculine-looking, a little less polite, and a little funnier, his candidacy would probably be doing a lot better.

Michelle Bachmann's husband evidently runs a Christian counseling clinic which tries to convert homosexuals into heterosexuals. Perhaps while he's at it he can perform another miracle and raise his wife's IQ.

Rick Perry is no better. At the last debate he was said to have done well just because he didn't stumble again, but the kudos he got sounded a little like the kind of approval that accrues to a Downs Syndrome child who has just learned to tie his shoelaces.

Mitt Romney seems like one of those guys from the rich boys' fraternity in Revenge of the Nerds who was always picking on the nerds. His father was a governor, so Mitt deserves the best -- the Presidency!

Still, he's competent, and he'll probably be the last pol standing come spring; in fact, I'd be willing to bet ten thousand dollars on that.

Any of these candidates -- as dumb or sociopathic as they might be -- would make a better President than the current one.

I'll let you know which one I'm backing after he wins the nomination.


Brian Fradet said...

Hi John--That was a very funny piece! The only thing I can think of to catapult your status as a serious contender for the election is to create some kind of scandal that's pretty bad but not so bad that people would not vote for you. Something edgy, but not sociopathic--a fine line, I know, but doable. Think about it and let me know. Hope all is well. Brian

John Craig said...

Thank you Brian.

Dave Moriarty said...

I think the campaign might be energized by a sex tape with Kim K-- think of the fun with denials etc and you can be in the news longer than her marriage lasted. posture a it as "you were working on getting endorsements"

John Craig said...

Dave --
That's a great suggestion, but it has one big drawback: I couldn't even pretend to be attracted to her.

Honestly, I'd rather make love to Donna Reed's corpse.

Dave Moriarty said...

well the "Reed strategy " will bring in the necrophiliacs. i suspect they have been looking for a voice and seem to be under represented at the political level.
i don't imagine that is a big enough group to sway the general election but it is a start.
and from a base like that who knows where things can go !
- i remain one of the "20" committed voters and will try to come up with a helpful scandal

John Craig said...

I appreciate that Dave.

And you've sparked another thought: the "Reed strategy" could also help win me the dead vote.

Don't laugh -- they basically elected JFK in '60. I've heard that had it not been for all the dead people in Cook County Illinois who "voted," JFK would have lost Illinois and thus the election.

Dave Moriarty said...

Then we have our campaign slogan:

"People are dying to vote for John ! "

I will start printing the T shirts and mugs immediatly!

who needs Karl Rove when we have a leader with vision!

John Craig said...

You're the man! Great slogan, and you're better than Rove any day.